I don’t want to look just like the girls on the magazines. I’m not binge eating to deal with stress. I’m not bulimic or anorexic. I’m not trying to punish myself or attempting to control my life by controlling my food intake, or any of the other more commonly known signs or forms of eating disorders. With that being said, eating is still a stressful experience for me. I have a mild eating aversion, which is more about stress than body image or portion control.

Eating aversions are related to social settings, specific foods, or company at mealtimes. Texture, scent, color, reaction, and so many more specifically food-related issues can trigger these aversions to a food. Many will chalk this up to picky eating, which is true in part, but an actual eating aversion is far more than that.

Most of my issues stem from social setting, which I recently found out after research for a paper is a form of social anxiety. This surprised me, because I am outgoing and never feel anxious about anything else. I have no fear or anxiety 90 percent of the time, except when it comes to eating.

I have had difficulty eating in new settings and near new people for years. It started with family gatherings and everyone trying to dictate what I had on my plate, the rate I was consuming it at, and how much of it I had. I would cry and end up ignoring my food until I reached a point where I would not eat. There were arguments and tears, and I could not deal with the stress surrounding group mealtimes. If I did eat, I would eat very little, choosing only bread, cheese, or eating sandwiches as separate ingredients-nothing could touch. Small, calculated amounts of bland food, just enough to hold me over until I got home and could be comfortable, away from the pressure of eating near outside people. That lasted until I was about sixteen.

School lunchtime was endlessly stressful. New people joining my lunch table usually meant I was not eating that day. I would stress myself out, thinking people were staring and judging, and the room would close in around me. It sounds ridiculous, but it felt like the end of the world. My friends always noticed, but just accepted that I needed forewarning before a new person joined the table, yet sometimes even that was not enough.

Now that I am older and have worked through some trigger situations, I am more comfortable where and with whom I choose to eat. Meals with new people, however, like a dinner date, send me right back to square one. I am not strong or brave, I am just tired of stressing over what I know should not be an issue.

The only way to work through an eating aversion is to retrain yourself and push your boundaries, and slowly but surely, you will get more comfortable. One day, I will be able to enjoy a future dinner date, business luncheon, or just share a meal with a new friend without stress.