There have always been voices in my head. The voices, to me, have not only shaped me to the person I am today, but is partially why I am involved in the groups of friends I have or the interests I pursue today. These voices are like an id (the bad/devil) the superego (the good/angel), while I am the living, breathing ego (in between) who gets easily inspired by which voice is speaking louder. The voices motivate me in both positive and negative ways: socially, academically, physically, and mentally.
Socially...
When engaging in social interactions, the voices are fully influenced by other people's body language, facial expressions, or even their voices. Ever since grade school, I unfortunately suffer more from my id than the superego voice. I have this irrational fear of people hating me or not being interested in who I am right off the bat. Why would I think that, you ask? I wish I knew. I personally think it's because of my previous friendships, relationships, and stereotypes in elementary and high school that take out negativity on myself. The fallouts have effected me more and it's not only on I perceive myself, but how others may perceive me and my image. When I interact with others, mainly my peers, the voice just tells me "they dislike you" or if I stop talking to people suddenly, the voice tells me to "not waste my time on them because they don't care about you." After I mentally come to this conclusion, I feel that I have had an irrelevant role in people's lives because I feel like the odd one out or I do not fit into a social group because of who I am, so I just isolate myself from those people for the safety of losing hope in myself and society or I just occupy myself with multiple activities involving new people. The voice has told me to cut people off based off of the fear of a negative image or stereotype being established; when I was younger, I was taunted for my insecurities or any other nasty characteristic I unintentionally possess when I am angry, upset, or hyper, I always feel like those things will be carried with me to every social interaction I ever engage in and it sucks. I have had numerous people that I have cut off between the beginning of high school and now because I have had the irrational fear of the id telling me "they do not care", "you are not interesting to them", or they think this or that about you. So, yes, I have an irrational fear of not fitting in, maybe, however, the superego always reassures me to keep going and not look back. However if a person or group of people accepts me, my superego applauds me and allows me to connect more with those that fully engage in conversations or happiness; it is almost like asking permission to try out for an activity and if I make the team, I am approved to socialize and am happy.
Academically...
Within the classroom, I have always been an above average student. The pressure I put on myself is both healthy and unhealthy. In high school, I decided to do the best I could and when I consistently struggled, I had no other choice but to have my voice tell me "you need to go to tutoring" or "you need to talk to Mrs./Mr. so and so to find how you can succeed in their class"; of course, my superego has definitely helped me out with academics because my grades got better as high school went on and I made it into the colleges I applied to. Of course, my superego is like an annoying PE teacher telling you keep running more laps during the pacer test; I am constantly on the verge of not trying anymore or skipping an assignment, but immediately I snap back and think of how I will be paying for my education and how skipping an assignment or class is NEVER an exception. Ever. (why would I waste my tuition on missing class or bad grades?) My superego has also devised a solid plan for my life; the voice tells me to make that Dean's List to get into that graduate school and to get those scholarships to go abroad or score that internship. In addition, if I do do bad on an assignment or fail at getting a task done, my body and voices yell at me and my physical body shuts down into a state of paranoia that if I have another bad assignment or day, my overall class or progress will be a failure.
Physically...
With my physical and emotional health, the voices vary based on how I am feeling. I cannot really conceal or justify hormones, but when I feel like staying in bed all day binge-watching a new Netflix series, the superego is yelling at me to "get out of bed and get what you need to do done (work, classwork, hanging out with friends, etc.) or kicks in some paranoia of being lazy, gaining weight, or not getting anywhere in life. My body is almost like a barbed wire gate because if the voices if try to climb the fence, they will get electrocuted. Moreover, if I need to squeeze in an exercise or go to work and I physically feel disgusting, my body will say "absolutely not" and it is an internal brawl between my physical body against my superego trying to help me achieve my tasks, Now, when I am out and about getting my tasks finished or am close to finishing, the id kicks in and tells me things like "just go back to bed and take a quick nap" or "call off from work today" or even "eat a bunch of junk food for a week". This is where my decision-making skills come into play; I always tend to keep an open mind about things and feel guilty about choosing one thing over the other, which is where my mental voice comes into play.
Mentally...
The way the voices motivate me mentally is tricky. This is where I am influenced by my previous actions or emotions. It is kind of a hypocritical follow-up because most of the time, the voice is negative. Taking a loss for missed opportunities or decisions really gets the voices yelling at me; "why didn't you make Decision A over Decision B?" or maybe "If you would've been nicer, more honest, more assertive, etc., you wouldn't be in this situation." Unfortunately, this voice affects me to a point where my self-esteem or motivation plummet. I don't really feel any motivation to go out and socialize because I'll feel stupid, left out, etc., which piggybacks off of my social voice, and those two aspects work together to build up the negativity inside of me. On the inside, I can feel my voice taunting me for making the wrong decision or for not being smart enough to figure out a solution to my problems, which is where asking questions comes in. If I am comfortable with a person or people, the voice doesn't really "speak" because I feel physically comfortable already and do not feel the need to ask myself or the voices if I should ask or not ask questions. If I do need to ask, then it becomes an evaluation process of how well I know the person/people, if they like/dislike me, and how broad the question is.
