Of all of the mental illnesses I've heard of, depression is discussed the most frequently. Depression is a downswing and comes in many different varieties, but that's another conversation for another day. What I hear less about is how upswings feel. I also hear people say that mental illness is like cancer. We use this analogy to make mental illness a more tangible subject, but it's inaccurate for many people. I have a combination of up and downswings, and unlike cancer, I cannot separate my behavioral patterns from who I am. Not all that much happens during my downswings, so I can see how it might be easier for someone who only experiences those to separate their disorder from their identity. I do not know what it feels like to only experience downswings, so I can't really say, but I seem to have very different opinions on that than people who do. Maybe I'm just weird.
Growing up, I thought I was neurotypical. I had no idea other people's brains function differently than mine. Until high school, I used to have panic attacks over any kind of unwanted change. Change can still be very unsettling for me, but I've worked hard and now I'm able to embrace change. Even on medication, being in my head literally feels like being on an emotional roller coaster ride. My medications are extremely important tools that I sometimes demonize but they allow me to live a normal life, so I've learned to live with the side effects. People try to tell me all kinds of things in order to make me feel normal, but it's coming to terms with what my brain can do that's allowed me to excel in life. In learning to love myself, my psyche, and all of their flaws, I've learned not to resent my own existence, and that has allowed me a great deal of comfort and happiness. I do not love myself despite my mental illness, I love myself for every quality I have, good, bad, and indifferent.
Mental illness is something I've personally struggled with my whole life, but I've been clinically diagnosed and treated for the past five years. In 2011 I had a hypomanic episode, giving me the diagnosis of bipolar II. I had already been diagnosed with ADHD at that time. I've always considered myself to have harm OCD and anxiety, which I've discussed with my doctor informally, but I'm not sure if those are "official" diagnoses. I've long suspected that all of my issues are more interrelated than that explanation makes them sound, but I need all of those terms to cover all of the issues I experience. This past year I've had a rough time with a lot of mood cycling, which I assumed was just rapid cycling bipolar disorder, but my doctor and I agree that borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a better fit now that I understand what it is.
He told me that I was cycling too quickly for it to be bipolar and that combined with other known factors were enough for the BPD diagnosis, which I had previously been terrified of. Bipolar disorder consists of cycling between dramatic highs and lows called episodes of mania and depression. The difference with BPD is that the cycling happens much more quickly, often several times a day. Mood swings with BPD are also more dependent on what's happening in someone's life, especially if there's any sign of abandonment. With bipolar disorder, the highs and lows are all-encompassing, while with BPD the moods are more specific, with specific feelings such as anger, love, or disgust, going up and down. Now I'm going to be starting Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and I'm really excited about that.
Exactly how my highs feel is something I rarely discuss, but maybe I should. With depression, getting out of bed is an accomplishment. With some of the highs I've experienced, getting into bed is an accomplishment. That's why I have to take a sleeping pill. I have to take a mood stabilizer to avoid having multiple trains of thought all the time. Even on the stabilizers, sometimes my brain goes too fast for me to handle and I lash out. I have different opinions and beliefs from mood swing to mood swing and I usually cycle a few times a day, even if the swings are minor. I've hallucinated, I've lashed out at people and destroyed relationships, I'm dissociated. I have to fight every day to keep my coping mechanisms functional. My disorder is the reason I am currently appealing the entire school year and moving back home to be around a bigger support system. "Everything happens for a reason." That's the phrase that's been keeping me going (thanks, Dad, for always reminding me of that).
It can be difficult to believe that anyone could possibly love you when your brain does all of that and more all on its own. Instead of not doing enough, mine often does way too much. It's inconsistent and it plays tricks on me and everyone I love. Instead of being upset by the way I can't help but be, I prefer to take what I've been given and do the best I can with it. Medication and therapy can only do so much; they are only tools, and they are not meant to make me someone I'm not. I am someone whose brain isn't predictable and sometimes moves too fast or too slow, and that is OK with me, because I think I'm pretty cool. I probably sound upbeat since I've been in a really good mood for a couple of weeks now, but before that I was down a lot for a few months. I know I'll drop again soon, but for now though, I'm going to just enjoy being happy.
Borderline is a part of me, whether I like it or not, so I'm just going to accept it and do the best I can with what I've been given.
