I have both anxiety and depression. I don't speak much of it, but it is time for that to change. Mental illness is a part of who I am and I have learned to accept that. Two years later, I have just now accepted it. And that's OK. However, just because I accepted it does not mean that it vanishes or that I can control its nature. I have just become more aware of it in my life and learned how to manage.
These are a few things I wish you knew about my life with anxiety AND depression. Hopefully, this can help you if you are struggling as well to accept it as a part of who you are and understand what life is like with it.
1. Mental illness does not run on a schedule.
This is not something one can "outgrow" or ignore. It has an overwhelming presence that at times feels like you are caged within its grasp. My anxiety and/or depression comes about suddenly and unexpectedly. One day I could be completely fine without any sort of slip up, however, today could be a different story — so could tomorrow.
2. Somedays I have no energy, and that's not because I am lazy.
I may not have the energy to put a smile on my face — let alone leave the house. My mind could be racing with thoughts, but I show no signs of it. Every day I am at risk of a different version of myself that could be presented with anxiety and depression.
3. I am constantly worrying and overthinking.
More often than not, I am asking myself, "Did I do something wrong?" "Is this because of me?" "What if I wasn't involved?" I continuously worry about your opinions of me, questions of my life, and what I should do. I am riddled with a thousand thoughts that may have no direction, but they still present a constant threat to my mental state.
4. Sometimes I feel like I have failed.
I question if anything I have accomplished is worth the stress. I don't know if I am on the right path in life — that I should be doing something else, something better. I feel as if nothing I can do can measure up to anything. My anxiety pushes me to compare myself to others, and my depression pushes me to feel worthless.
5. My emotions are all over the place.
My emotions can flip as easily as a light switch. One minute, I can be lively and upbeat. Then one little inconvenience could occur and BAM — sadness and darkness engulf me in its shadow. I can't control these changes, just like I cannot control my mental illness. This is just a symptom of what I must deal with on a daily basis.
6. Please check in on me.
I may not realize I have been acting the way I am — a bit off and unfocused. With someone/anyone to ask me how I am at that moment can help me realize myself. I need you to act as my alarm clock to wake me out of the daze I may be unknowingly immersed in. Sometimes, I may need a good shake back into reality with the softest reassurance that I can be happy.
7. Distractions and Interactions.
Instead of saying "Sorry" or "It'll be better tomorrow." or "Everything will be OK." to my mood of the moment, please listen to me. Please help me find something to hold on to. Even if that means trying to find a distraction, please do so. I may need human interaction to lift my spirits and my whirlpool of thoughts. I need your love and support not because I am needy or clingy, but because I am desperate for a way out of my darkness and this may be the best solution. Whether it be a movie or a good chat, it could help.
8. Please don't abandon me.
Every day I fear being left in the dust. I worry if today could be the day someone or everyone will walk out on me. To be stranded alone with my thoughts. I assure that I do not try to be difficult or complicated — I do my best to control myself and at times it is a losing battle.
9. I care A LOT because I am afraid to be alone.
Like I said above, I am terrified of being left alone with my anxiety and depression. What am I to do if they are my only friends by my side? They follow me everywhere and I cannot be a victim to their darkness.
10. And finally, mental illness does not make me a leper.
Anxiety and depression may loom over my head, but do not worry, they are not contagious. Just because I suffer with a mental illness (or two) does not mean you have to keep your distance from me. Silence or space will not help me feel any better about myself, my thoughts will circle through the stated worries. You could be the light I need in my life for me to see happiness.
Just because I may appear happy on the outside, does not mean I am not broken on the inside. I am not weak, I am a broken girl in search of support to put the pieces back together. I do not say any of this as to "seek attention" — no, I say this to make you aware of who I am. The real me. Every day I am nervous about the day's events.
Every day, I battle pieces of my anxiety and my depression. They may not both be present at the same time — it could be one day and another the next. I could be drowning under the weight of my thoughts at any moment — trapped underneath a cold avalanche of anxiety and depression balled together. And finally, I ask you to support and love me and your friends who endure this, to not turn away. We need your comfort to get to the end of the day sometimes.
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