I have been on and off medications since I was in sixth grade. If it would have been up to me, I never would have started but here I am almost ten years later... still on a plethora of medication that still doesn't help.

Being 'treatment resistant' runs in my family, just as much as mental illness does. My mom has tried pretty much every medication, type of therapy, and study to try and help with no success. I'm the exact same way.

I've been told I have everything from major depressive disorder to generalized anxiety to PTSD to random things I've never even heard of. It feels like they slap a label on me, change my meds a few times, and just call it good.

But, I'm not good. I haven't ever really been good.

I can't remember a time where I wasn't in therapy or taking medication. I can't remember a time where I was genuinely happy. I like to blame the trauma because people always tell me "trauma builds character," but trauma really fucking sucks.

On top of the fact that nothing really helps, the never-ending trauma puts me in a place of misery. Every time my psychiatrist suggests new medication or new dosages, I roll my eyes and add it to the list of things we've tried. The list of failed attempts to "fix" something that won't ever be not broken.

Sure, doc. Pump me full of meds, so that I can trade symptoms for side effects. Please give me the nausea and the weight gain and the headaches and the shaking and the ups and downs. I LOVE IT.

Please keep suggesting therapy, like I haven't been in it for ten years... HALF OF MY LIFE. Please keep telling me that this time will be different.

I've come to a place in my life, and I think I've been here for a long time, where I'm just miserable. Misery is a part of my personality and though many people hate it, I can't help it.

I can't do anything. I can't just "cheer up." I can't just take a weekend away and feel better. I've tried, trust me, but it doesn't work that way.

So here I am, almost 20-years-old, accepting the fact that because of circumstances out of my control (i.e. genetics, trauma, etc) I will forever be this dark cloud following people around.

This is my life. This has always been my life. If you don't get it, don't even try to sympathize with me. I'm okay being miserable because it's really all I've ever known (and yes, I know that sounds depressing AF because it really is).

Therapy four times a month, psychiatrists every three months, random hospital visits, random arm checks from my parents, constant worry from everyone around me. That's the life I've given them.

So yeah, keep telling me I'm "treatment resistant" but in all reality, it's just you telling me I get to be miserable for the rest of my life.