(All names in this article has been changed to protect the privacy of others.)

This article is about sexual assault. Please be warned about triggers. Here is the hotline for anyone who may be going through something similar or knows someone.

National Hotline: Call 1-800-656-4673

Online Chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/

It was the beginning of my sophomore year. The weekend before school started. It was Saturday, August 18th. I will never forget that night...

I went to a Frat party with my friends. We were across the ECU police station. I thought I would be safer there. I don't remember a lot of details... I just kept drinking and dancing. Even when the drinks started to taste disgusting even more, I kept drinking. Maybe if I hadn't of drank, things would've been different. But if I hadn't then I would've remembered every detail of what happened next.

I had been dancing for a while and I walked to the kitchen to get me another drink. I filled it up halfway, chugged it and then filled it with water. I drink it and threw my cup away. I managed to find my way through all the bodies and back to the dance floor. There, some guy grabbed my wrist and asked if I knew how to dance like the girl dancing with the guy in front of him. I nodded and he pulled me closer to the crowded room and I started to dance with him.

The whole time I was thinking of my crush. Maybe if I wasn't thinking of my crush, I would've paid more attention to what the stranger looked like and I could've reported him the next day. There were so many factors that could've made that night different.

I remember seeing a friends face somewhere while I was dancing but then it disappeared. My mind was spinning. The stranger kept saying "Damn baby." I think I smiled but I was so drunk. At some point, we stopped and we were outside. He started to drag me towards the exit of the party but I told him I needed to find my friends and that I couldn't leave. He started to kiss my neck and I almost tripped. I kept searching for my friends, just someone that I knew. I couldn't see anyone.

I started to get worried. The stranger said that maybe they were outside the fence. Maybe if I hadn't been so drunk, I would've called someone. I would've been able to walk away. The stranger was the only thing keeping me from falling on my butt.

What happened next still doesn't seem real. It was like an out of body experience. I was floating.

I ended up outside the party, across the street, pass a few houses, and behind some pushed. My shirt wasn't on. The guy had laid it on the ground but I didn't want it off. I was using it to wipe the sweat off my face. Next thing I knew, I was on my knees crying. He pushed me down and I heard a zipper before he put something in my mouth. It hurt and I kept throwing up. He wouldn't let me breathe.

I thought I was going to die. I didn't want him. I didn't want to taste him and I didn't want to touch him but I had to get him out. I don't know how I got free from him because the next thing I know is that I'm struggling to breathe as I start throwing up in the grass. Tears are streaming down my face as I struggle to stand only to get pushed against the brick wall. My head hit the wall but luckily not too hard. He pushed my bra up and grabbed my chest, causing more tears. I couldn't talk. I was frozen.

He kissed my neck as he pushed my shorts down. I just stared at the fence on the other side of the bushes. I was dead. At that moment, I was dead. I felt the burning sensation of his hand rubbing me raw. More tears came and still, no voice came out. He grabbed my hips and turned me around. I would've screamed for sure but I felt nothing. I wasn't sure if it was from the numbness of from his hand or if he couldn't do it. But I knew he was in there. His hands were on my chest and my face was pressed against the brick. Then for some reason, he let me go.

I turned around but it was too dark to see his face. I heard my phone and started searching for it. Dried tears on my face, I picked it up. My friend, Tyler was trying to call me. Still hurting, I stupidly leaned against the wall. It was stupid. The stranger wasn't done with me. As I answered the phone, his hand was rubbing again. Harder and faster. I should've told Tyler what was happening but all I said was that I was outside the party. Tyler asked if I wanted him to come back for me and I begged him to. I don't know if Tyler heard it in my voice but Tyler saved me. I sobered up really quickly. Next thing I know is that I'm running back towards the party with all my clothes on searching for Tyler.

In the morning, I did not want to get up. I wasn't about to leave my room or eat or do anything. I just sat in my bed. I got on my phone and sent my close friends the same text.

That I had been raped.

Ash called first, then Sarah and Eleanor. Next thing I know, Eleanor and Sarah are on their way to come to pick me up. They told me to get dress and to put my clothes from the night before in a bag. They then drove me over to the police station where we waiting for over half an hour for a female cop to come to open the door to let us in before telling her all the details of what happened the night before. I just wanted to lay in bed and cry.

I was in the hospital for 8 long hours. There was so much waiting and so many tests. I cried when they checked my private area because it was still hurting from where the stranger had basically rubbed me raw. As soon as that exam was over, I hid under the blanket and cried my eyes out. The therapist that was there rubbed my back for me which was comforting.

There was so much pain. I also knew that I couldn't do anything because I just wanted to move on and that my parents would be angry I went out plus I didn't even know who the stranger was. I didn't see the stranger again until a few days later when he walked by and waved at me.

I was 99% sure it was him. Tyler probably would've killed the guy if I hadn't waited so long to tell him about the guy who had walked by us. Once my final exam at the hospital was over and I was discharged, I ran out and breathed the fresh air. I was tired of that freaking hospital. I was glad to be out of there. When I got back to my room, I went straight to my bed and cried myself to sleep. It had been a long day and I was extremely tired.

Thursday. The day of the week that says fuck you. It all started when I was sitting with Elena, Tyler, and Elena's roommate. We were all smoking and having a good time. A friend of Tyler's even joined us, his name was Samuel. In the middle of us talking, someone walked past me from behind. They tapped on my shoulder but kept walking and waved at me when I looked at them. I was so confused. I sat there in silence for 5-10 minutes before realizing that THAT was the stranger. My heart dropped, breaking in half at the realization.

Once I could breath and came out of my frozen state, I texted Tyler saying, "That was the guy that raped me." I knew when he read it because he dropped his phone and turned around. Samuel, who didn't know, got very confused and asked what was wrong. I told Tyler it was okay before Tyler took Samuel to behind the building, towards where the stranger went.

They were gone for what felt like forever. I got worried. My whole body started shaking and I cried on Elena's shoulder and told her what happened. Tyler and Samuel came back. I asked where they went and Tyler said they wanted to give me some space.

After that, I became extremely cut off from my friends. I never wanted to go out as much. It wasn't until 2 weeks later that I had to go talk to a guidance counselor after confiding in a close friend who also happened to be an RA at the time. I saw the guidance counselor once and then the dean of students. After that, I continued avoiding everyone. I was dodging my therapy until I was forced to go and then had to meet up with the Title IV investigators. Tyler went with me when I went to talk with them. I almost broke his hand telling the investigators my story.

My mental health started declining even more. I was overly avoiding everyone or participating in unhealthy behavior. I became emotionally attached to one of my friends and it was hard to let go. I dated another person but it turned into a disaster. I don't remember much of the few months leading to my suicide attempt. A friend of mine made a comment about me putting people in danger for not reporting the person who hurt me. How I put the people who live in his dorm in danger. I became extremely ashamed of myself and extremely guilty...

My tipping point was Halloween weekend. I went to go visit a friend on the other side of campus. I was by myself and surrounded by a crowd of drunk people. This was my first panic attack. I ran back to the dorm crying. I cried myself to sleep, unable to move. I probably just passed out from the pain. The next day, I felt fine. I was in a daze. I was getting ready for the Halloween party the next day. I was just cooking in the kitchen when the thoughts started. My mental health was destroying me... I remember going to my room and I attempted my death.

My roommate found me under my bed, crying and bloody. People were in and out of the room. The RA's, the building coordinator, my roommate, the police, the fire department, and lastly, the ambulance men. They bandaged up my arm and drove me away to the hospital where I spent a week in the behavioral health center.

I spent a week going through different group therapy. Meeting a lot of doctors and trying a new medication. Learning not to feel guilty and trying not to feel so ashamed. I hated having to tell my parents what happened to me and what I did. I talked to my stepmom every day. I was constantly journaling every day in a notebook the doctor gave me.

I love journaling. Once I was released from the hospital, I went back to school to talk to the Dean and learned that I was being dropped from the rest of the semester. I was heartbroken. I was going to have to pack all my things and go home before the semester ended. I wasn't going to be able to finish my semester and might end up being a semester behind and not graduate on time.

I became extremely distraught. I cried a lot. I didn't want my dreams to crumble. I wanted to become a teacher and change lives. My Step-mom did her best to assure me that things will be alright.

And she was right. After working hard with my therapy at the hospital and attending a 10-day out-patient program and then started a regular weekly therapy in my home city. I took advantage of all I could. I learned as much as I could from my therapists.