If you know me, you know I hit the gym daily. I am early to rise and I love working out first thing in the morning. I love being awake before what feels like everyone else, I love using an elevated heart rate to wake me up, and I love eating a massive breakfast!!! After all, it is the most important meal of the day.

I love being fit and muscular, taking care of the temple God has given me. I love eating healthy in order to feel energetic and full without being miserably stuffed. I love being able to outrun people strictly for bragging purposes. I want to live a very long and healthy life, and the only person who can ensure that is me. I'm the only person I'm competing against. It is up to me to push myself. This is my greatest freedom.

But for a really long time, it was what held me captive.

My entire high school career I was enslaved to the scale and my diet. I skipped meals, obsessed over the numbers I claimed that defined me, I went the gym before or after my color/winter guard practices, a workout of themselves, and I truly hated what I saw in the mirror. Too many girls for too long had called me fat and boys were completely uninterested in the band nerd, so I tried to make myself healthy in the most unhealthy way possible. I was a complete prisoner.

I planned every workout down to the minute, penciled in every cheat meal, and made sure I was completely in control of everything that went into my body. I swallowed my figure in oversized clothes. A calorie counting app was downloaded somewhere along the line and I lived by it. I thought I would reach a certain weight, body type, or strength and be satisfied. I couldn't have been more wrong. I can't believe I lived this way for roughly four years.

I still battled with this my freshman year of college, assuming no supervision would lead to the ultimate success. I never wanted my parents to worry about me, thinking I had total control over the situation. Spoiler alert, I didn't.

Thankfully and by the grace of God, I reached a breaking point or had a eureka moment, whatever you want to call it. It was both, honestly. I was exhausted. I longed for consistent full meals and skipping the gym without a weighted guilt. I craved progress, and I just wasn't seeing anything.

I hate to be cheesy and say I joke woke up one morning and decided to change, but that's exactly what happened. I was falling in love with my life, and I was tired of letting myself get in the way. I needed to stop wearing chains Jesus had already died for me to take off. I realized memories were far more important than macros. And I remind myself of this daily.

Memories over Macros.

I wake up eager to push myself in the gym. Not to lose weight or control my caloric output, but to get strong and gain confidence. To clear my mind and relieve stress. To be healthy in order to live a long life. I eat a big breakfast to fuel myself, to listen to my metabolism. I freely buy clothes that actually fit me and it feels good!!! I drink an extra cup of coffee because I love it and it makes me happy, calories aside. I eat ice cream before bed because it's my absolute favorite. And not to brag, but my four pack makes it out alive every time just fine.

I go on dates with my boyfriend not because I need a cheat meal, but because I love spending time with him and we love queso. I don't count calories. I simply listen to my body. One bad meal won't ruin me the same way one good meal didn't fix me. I don't work out on Sundays intentionally to observe the Sabbath and rest to the fullest. I also don't work out on days my muscles are begging for rest or my schedule is far too demanding to allow it. One day off won't make me weak just like one day of lifting weights isn't what made me strong. I know myself and I know what I'm capable of. I know I can splurge some days and make up for it by adding extra discipline to other days.

Discipline is freedom. I experience this every day. I am actually seeing more progress at an exponential rate now that I am fueling myself properly. And I am seeing more joy now that I prioritize people over perspiration. I am stronger than I have ever been, both physically and mentally. It's all about balance. It's a lifestyle, not a fix.

Your body will fluctuate, nothing is constant in this world and you are no exception. So don't beat yourself up over a donut and go have breakfast with your mom. Have a lazy day with your significant other. You can always cut out sweets for a week or work an extra thirty minutes at the gym, but those precious moments are once in a lifetime, so treasure them. Be present. Prioritize what is precious over what is fleeting. And love. Love yourself, love the people who love you, love everyone around you. Just being alive is finally enough for me. In and out of the gym.