Anxiety is my best friend; she has been with me my entire life. Many people meet her on occasion in their own lives, but usually she’s just visiting them whenever is convenient for her, which is normal; however, for me, she has chosen to stick around and I just can’t shake her. She’s a constant presence, always lingering, always watching. Sometimes she goes away for a brief period of time, but she’s never away for long.
Anxiety likes to keep me constantly and irrationally worried about anything and everything, no matter how big or small, how inconsequential it might be. I get no peace from her. She keeps me awake at night because she likes to poke at me, reminding me of all the things that I should be concerned about. If I’m trying to concentrate on a task, she makes sure to distract me with other thoughts and worries. She has me mentally prepared for the worst and keeps me on edge, constantly dreading what could happen.
When I’m with people, she makes me feel self-conscious about everything that I do and say, about how I present myself. She questions every single action that I do, asking how people will view it and how it will be interpreted although she is fully aware that people’s perceptions are out of my control. She holds me back from trying new things and urges me to stay in my comfort zone. If I try to speak up, she mutes me, telling me that what I’m saying doesn’t make sense or that no one will care and yet in silence, she is deafening.
She keeps me restless; I must always be moving, always doing something. On occasion, she’ll fully attack me physically, mentally, and emotionally and leave me fatigued and drained for days after the fact. Even so, anxiety is one of the few constants in my life and I truly don’t know who I’d be without her.
If Anxiety is my best friend, then Depression is my lover. He’s a jealous, clingy boyfriend who wants me to rely on him and only him at all times and although I don’t particularly like him, I’ve become accustomed to him and I can’t really shake him. I’ve tried to leave him for Joy before, but he killed her and made it clear that I can’t escape this relationship, not for too long. If I try to leave, he always returns.
Depression likes to make me feel sad, hopeless, and overwhelmingly negative, to say the least. When he’s around and I’m trying to have fun, he prevents me from enjoying my hobbies or my time with friends and causes me to lose interest in my normal activities; sometimes, he even makes me feel guilty for having fun. He makes food less enjoyable and I’m typically just not hungry when he’s around, and he makes it difficult to sleep.
Depression makes me question the reasons for everything that I do because he sees everything as pointless. When I try to get out of bed, he tries to pull me back in and keep me there with him. I’ll admit that on a few days, I have given in and spent my day catering to his whims, but on most days, I choose to leave, so he jumps onto my back and hangs onto me for the entire day to make sure that I don’t enjoy myself too much. He’s a heavy burden to carry and weighs me down terribly until I am no longer able to function. While on my back, he spends his time whispering into my ear about why life is meaningless and honestly, he can be so convincing at times. Self-harm is his favorite form of foreplay, and deprecation is his love language.
Anxiety and Depression are quite the duo. Having to deal with both of them makes me extremely irritable and I am always fatigued because they keep me up at night and make restful sleep nearly impossible. They are both extremely sensitive to situations and can overreact terribly when things go wrong. Their dynamic is also very strange - Anxiety keeps me worried and restless about everything that I have to accomplish, but Depression tells me that nothing is worth accomplishing. Consequently, Anxiety is always pushing me around while Depression is trying to hold me back. If it wasn’t for Anxiety, I would get nothing done; she is my only motivation because Depression has killed my drive and passion.
Although I don’t particularly enjoy having both Anxiety and Depression in my life, I will admit that I can’t imagine life without them because they have played such integral roles in who I am today. Even so, here's to hoping.
