Today is National Coming Out Day. Across the country, people of all ages will share their sexuality with people in their lives. Today is a testament to queer pride, a day of support for those coming out for the first time, and all those who have come out in the past. For me, National Coming Out Day is a game- find a person in my life that doesn’t know I’m queer, and come out to them. Maybe I’ll post a sassy meme about my gayness on Facebook as a jokey way of coming out/ proclaiming my sexuality for all the friends and casual acquaintances following my Facebook feed. To be honest, I don’t know how I feel about National Coming Out Day. For many people, this day provides the support and encouragement they need to make the step of sharing their sexuality with the people in their life. For me, National Coming Out Day feels like a joke that’s only barely funny, and in some ways an unnecessary pressure for people in the closet.
I am proud of my identity. I want everyone to feel supported and safe in their identity, and I want to help people feel comfortable with their sexuality. I support the pride and encouragement implicit in National Coming Out Day, but there is a twinge of discomfort when I really examine my feelings about it. In the two years and one month since the first time I came out, I have come out dozens of times. I have come out to friends, family members, random people on Tumblr, guys at parties who hit on me. Coming out is a big, life changing experience, but it’s not a one time thing. If you come out on National Coming Out Day, you are not done. You are never done coming out. Sometimes I wish that I had a button telling everyone I encounter that I’m a proud lesbian so that I could stop alluding to past girlfriends, stop cutting my hair shorter and shorter in hopes that it will proclaim my sexuality without me saying the words and wondering if I’m wearing enough flannel to do the job for me. The truth is that I’m tired of coming out. And I feel like National Coming Out Day oversimplifies the process of coming out. It feels like a statement that coming out today is enough. And I don’t want people coming out of the closet for the first time to feel like this is it, that they step out today and then they are out forever. The reality is so much more complex.
The other part of National Coming Out Day that contributes to my undercurrent of discomfort is the pressure that it creates for people to come out of the closet. I worry that it rushes people into a decision that is life changing. I don’t want people to feel guilty for not being ready to come out today. I want everyone to feel comfortable coming out but I also know that it’s a monumental step, and that sometimes the environment isn’t right. I don’t want anyone to feel pressured to come out in a situation that is unsafe or unwelcoming. In a perfect world, these situations wouldn’t exist but the sad reality is that our world isn’t fully ready to accept our queerness. I believe in the sentiment of National Coming Out Day but I also believe in the individuality of expressions of sexuality, and I don’t want today to push people into a coming out experience that isn’t right for them.
Ultimately, the support and encouragement of National Coming Out Day is an important symbol for the queer community and I appreciate its existence even if I believe that there are troublesome underlying issues. As with every year, I will make my jokey contribution to the collective coming out today and I will beam all the love in my heart to those finding the courage within them to come out today.
