For some people mean mugging is just another symbol of toxic masculinity, or just how a dude normally looks at another dude. I pride myself as a professional and competitive mean mugger, so I thought I'd provide some tips on do's and don'ts when staring down another person like you want to throw hands.

The best sort of mean mugging is a cathartic one, a sort of nega meditation where you are gathering your inner turmoil and honing it into a sharp edge that soon becomes a release at it's peak absurdity. That is, if you know how to mean mug correctly.

1. Know the right place to mug.

I would never advocate a life of eternal mean mugging, as this would be what I believe Kant described as the common hater. An action done without the motive of duty would be, of course, without moral value, and the same is true for mean mugging. Anyone mean mugging all day every day either has too many problems or too many people to mean mug at. Choose your spots, this is a discipline. Preferably this is a place with a high population of fuckboys i.e. young men of questionable moral and mental caliber. You can find most fuckboys at any place where fellow young people congregate, simply because as a percentage game there will always be a segment of fuckboys. This includes college campuses, concerts, corner store, clubs, basically most places that start with a "C".

2. Act like you're inside of prison. The prison that is our lives.

Not everyone may be able to channel such a feeling from personal experience, but even those lucky enough to only see fictionalized tangling with the law in their favorite movies know what I'm talking about. You've got to have the mentality that whichever toughest or biggest-looking motherfucker out there, get ready to knock them the fuck out, or rather, make sure they understand that you are ready to knock them out or get knocked out trying at the soonest excuse. Don't be bonobo, we have more in common with chimpanzees.

3. Channel whatever's bothering you that day into the perfect mean mug.

Did you stub your toe getting out that morning? Got a really painful ache, figuratively or literally speaking? Someone on your ass that it would be unwise to beat the tar out of for moral or sentimental grounds? The importance of meditating and honing all the evil spirits inside of you into the perfect expression is a key part of formulating the meanest of mugs. Channel every vindictive and "small" feeling inside of you and then release it in an, ultimately cathartic, expression from your pupil all the way across into their face.

4. It's not about the meanest mug, it's about the longest one.

This is key and cannot be forgotten, it's not about the meanness of your mug but the way you carry it. Focus too long on pursuing the meanest mug and you'll just look like a clown with a painted angry face or someone holding in really painful gas. Don't focus on the meanness of your mug, a little snide venom is enough. Remember, it's the staredown that constitutes the je ne sais quoi of mean mugging. You are projecting, in every sense of the word, so it's important that you look your target in the eyes and don't stop until they look away. Most people will avert their glance instantly, but in some cases reciprocity will occur, in which case, well boy you got yourself a stew!

Whoever looks away first has, essentially, lost the game of staredown chicken.

5. Practice trigger discipline.

The motive of mean mugging is to first identify who wants some, and then to prove that they do not, in fact, want some. This means it is important to avoid collateral damage, there are plenty of people and entities, kittens, white people, etc. that generally do not want to mean mug nor understand the purpose or practice of mean mugging (baffling, I know!). In such situations, your mean mugging is just unnecessary cruelty at best and looking like a "Grumpy Gus" at worst.

Anyway, you wouldn't want to just be popping off the meanest looks at anyone and everyone. There could be a passing grandma. There are plenty of people who aren't in on this completely sane game of projecting thoughts of malice through your eyeholes at other people. Maybe they think it's a waste of time for people who are just way too mad at the world and try to escalate every situation into violence, in which case nevermind, you probably should mean mug them and maybe whoop their ass if it goes there.

6. Go back for seconds.

On making contact your target may immediately glance away, and a rookie might perceive that as a victory and end of the situation. Then you look away too, and the situation is over. Right? *stares directly into the reader's eyes like you killed my dog* Wrong! The truth is though, every pro goes back for seconds. Don't let them catch a look back at you after you've finally glanced away in satisfaction, give them one more look back to satisfy yourself. Were they mean mugging you back? Maybe they've already walked off, maybe it was a misunderstanding. Or maybe they were trying to start shit, in which case you better look the fuck right back at them, man!

7. Remember to smile!

Remember, mean mugging is supposed to be fun! You should feel like smiling and maybe chuckling afterwards, and even the more if you've successfully stared someone down. This conveys that while you are ready to throw down with them at any point, like any good gorilla that earned it's silver back, the very thought of it as well as their recent inability to stare you back down only fills you with an absurd mirth. And it should! Mean mugging is stupid and great, terrible and delightful, a practice that when executed correctly (i.e. the other young man walked the fuck away with his timid eyes elsewhere) will fill you with an appreciation for the banal and trivial absurdities of our existence!

If you aren't left feeling less burdened of hate and toxic feelings, if you aren't ending a mean mug with a greater lightness in your step, then guess what? *stares the reader down like you just peed on my grandma* You're doing it wrong!