I am the type of person who always thinks what happens to me is my fault. Any time something goes wrong, I believe it is my own fault and I deserve whatever the outcome is. I use to think it was me just accepting God's will. I figured "well God needs this to happen to me and I will learn from it". I choose to believe the Lord has a plan and that what happens in my life will lead to whatever is meant for me. However, I have realized that even though I might believe everything happens for a reason, the toxic belief is that I did something to make it happen or that I deserved it. This is from my own insecurities and negative opinions of myself, since I usually believe others think the same of me. This is how I am toxic to myself. I don't like a lot of things about myself, but I have started to realize that some of these opinions are what I assume people think about me. Not only is this toxic to me but it is toxic to those who I put those feelings on, because that impacts our relationship. I automatically assume someone thinks a certain way of me because I fear not thinking that and then being blindsided when they eventually think of me the way I think of myself. I try to expect everything, I don't like to be happy or content because I know the potential sadness or anger I will feel when something unexpected happens.
I have started to see how my own opinions cloud my judgement and alter how I see a situation. If I worry about something in a situation, I look for anything to confirm my suspicions. Sometimes, this can result in me making stuff up in my head or hurting my own feelings. I don't seem to just let things flow, I can't ever sit back and just see what happens. I can for like a solid hour and then it is back to worrying, even if I have some sort of reassurance, I will find a way to start worrying again. I really hate it. I hate it because I tend to worry about stuff that isn't necessary and it leads to me thinking about it constantly. For example, I can't just "see where things go" or "just have fun" when it comes to relationships. I have to know what someone's intentions are because I will stress and over analyze every aspect of the situation, if I don't. The man I'm seeing right now; we have had a lot of issues, but this past month he has really been trying. Like I have been shocked with how good he's been and how much he has really put in to making us work. Its been good, its been refreshing actually. But this past week, I have really done everything I possibly can to sabotage it. I take everything to heart, I take everything too seriously and I am always looking for a hidden message.
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I have started to realize that not everyone hates me or doesn't want me around, its me who thinks that. I believe because I don't have the friendships or the relationships that people around me have, or the ones in the movies then I'm automatically not enough. I am never satisfied, not because I am ungrateful but because I assume I am not worthy of more. I don't believe I deserve to be loved or desired, so I am always over analyzing things and trying to find something wrong. I don't know why; like REALLY WHY. I just equate it to me not liking myself and not believing I deserve good things. I like being sad, I enjoy fighting and arguing because it doesn't get worse than being sad; but if I'm happy, that can go away. I am very aware that this is self sabotage. I am aware I am only making things worse for myself. Has mean and hurtful things been sad to me? Yes. Does it happen everyday? No. So why every time I put on a cute outfit and start to love myself, I begin to think everyone is looking at me in disgust and judging me. For someone who is very insecure, I am somehow secure in the thought that everyone notices me and what I am wearing or what I look like
I have to stop doing this. I have to stop putting my own feelings of myself onto others. Why? Because people are going to stop being in my life, if I don't. I am pushing people away because I genuinely think they believe these things or treat me the way I think they should, and so I respond that way. I take a simple look or phrase to be so damn literal, and I stay mad, I don't let it go. It's one thing if someone is telling me straight up "you're too big" or "you're not worth it" but it is a completely other thing for me to be out with the guy I'm seeing a a girl to just be around and him look in that direction. Things that I know are normal, or that even I do, I take so serious and take it as if it is meant to hurt me.
I need to give myself a break. My mind is so tired from fighting itself. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes because I tussle back and forth with loving and hating myself. Don't worry I am fine, I really am. I am just so tired of hating myself. I don't wanna hate myself but I feel like I'm suppose to. It's like in in constant battle with my mind, deciding if I'm gonna allow myself to let myself love who I am. I really make progress somedays. Like I will sit back and think about how well I have been doing and how happy I feel, and it really will feel amazing. But when it hits, it hits hard. Insecurity, doubt and overthinking will take over my body and I just start suffocating. I wish it would just be one or the other; either I just love myself or just hate myself. The back and forth is just exhausting and I'm tired of fighting myself.
I guess one positive is that I am self aware of what I am doing. Now I just have to figure out how to make myself see myself in a different light.
