The best part about growing older is being able to casually and randomly tell your parents the mischief you did in high school and see their surprised astonishment. Or, even better, their sly girn indicating they had indeed known about that party you went to after prom even though you had said you were just going to your best friend's house. Regardless of how much the rents knew, you are still able to surprise them with some 5-year-old secrets that were only possible because you had mastered these 10 essential skills to maintain your rebellious high school life.
1. Vodka to water ratio
Persephone MagazineThe classic--filling your parent's vodka bottle back up with water once you "temporarily borrow" it for the night. Yet, some children got a little too greedy and, after you borrow too much booze from one bottle, the water replacement was not much of a cover anymore. The key was spreading the borrowed amount among multiple different bottles, even if that meant you were taking five shots of five different liquors. Oh, to have the quick recovery of a 16 year old again…
2. Fridge rearrangement
TenorIn high school, your alcohol selection was often limited to whatever your dad had in the fridge, so when the vodka bottles ran out, that meant lots of Bud Light. But one could not simply just snatch some beers and head out the door. Oh young grasshopper, you had to learn how to strategically arrange the fridge to ensure that those missing beers would not actually be missed.
3. The ‘no-clink’ packing
GiphyNothing is more suspicious than walking out of the house with your backpack making clinking noises as the bottles inside smack against each other--what an armature move. Instead ,you mastered the art of delicately wrapping your flannel around the glass bottle to ensure a silent and stealthy exit.
4. Best hiding nooks
GiphyAnd, when you were finally able to find some sort of hookup to buy you booze (aka the most critical networking of your high school days), you had to find the perfect hiding spot to ensure that your parents would never find your stash. For me, that meant hiding them in large wool socks stuffed behind old smelly soccer gear.
5. The sweet and innocent reputation
TenorAnd since school and sports were still very important, you had to make sure your good name wasn't being soiled-- especially in a small school where secrets weren't really a thing. Mostly, this meant only partying with your best friends (not with the large "in-group") and not flaunting your supposed "coolness" (because, apparently, in high school, a picture of you chugging UV Blue made you cool--which yes, I am guilty of). Besides, hanging out with people that make you happy is significantly better than an enormous party of everyone who's anyone.
6. Excellent cleaning skills
GfycatHaving excellent cleaning skills is a practical necessity, from small things such as washing the water bottle multiple times to remove the scent of alcohol that filled it the night before to removing any evidence of the party you hosted before your parents returned home. Yet, you must not 'over-clean,' because any noticeable improvements to the cleanliness of the home will result in suspicion. After all, what teenager washes the house just for fun when their parents are out of town?
7. Internal alarm clock
GiferBetween work, church and helping around the house, you had to make sure you were up well before everyone else to drive home from your friend's, hide all forms of mischief and act completely normal.
8. Masking the hangover
The University of M.U.S.C.L.E.And, of course, you excelled at the skill of painfully ignoring your horrid headache and queasy tummy and, instead, forcing a smile while you hug your aunt at the Sunday family function. Little did the public world know that the night before you had one blackout, two hours of sleep and three tequila shots.
9. The perfect lie
CLEVVERAll perfect lies are rooted in a kernel of truth, and the most successful lies are the ones in which you only change one or two minute details. So, when your mom asked what you did at your friends, you say you had a bonfire and explored the woods, just leaving out that the fire was accompanied by a shotgunning contest and your walk in the woods was more of a search party to find that one friend that wandered off and hadn't been seen for a half an hour.
10. Taking responsibility
TenorBut of course, no one is perfect and parents know SO much more than they'll ever let on. So, no matter how flawless you think your lie is, you're bound to get caught; therefore, you must also know when to take responsibility--welcome to adulthood, kids.
