Are you a hopeless linguaphile, seeking to learn various languages so that you’ll be able to act pretentiously in front of your friends? Have you hopelessly been enrolled in numerous language courses, yet, the only phrases you’ve come to know are greetings and food-related terms?

If reaching proficiency, or even better, acquiring fluency in a foreign language is what you wish to do, then fret no more. By thoroughly following the suggestions provided to you here you’ll be equipped with the skills to master any language in a matter of days.

The first step to learning a new language is choosing a language to learn. When selecting a language make sure it is one that your friends don’t already speak, that way once you’ve mastered it you’ll appear to be rather impressive. In addition, as long as they don’t know the language they will never criticize your terrible pronunciation, lack of an understanding of grammatical rules, and so on. Actually, you should probably choose to learn a language that no one around you can speak, as this will enable you to create your own rules and words for said language. Don’t know how to say a word in your target language? No problem, just make it up! They won’t notice.

The second step to learning a new language is neglecting both practice and memorization. One does not need to study grammar books, create flashcards, nor spend time practicing their target language in order to master it. These practices tend to take a lot of one’s time and they prove to be rather useless in the long run. Instead, you should play videos, of people speaking your target language, as you sleep. This will allow your brain to internalize all of the words used in the videos and once you wake up you’ll mysteriously be able to understand those words as well. It’s as easy as that.

The last step to acquiring fluency in a language is to purchase the extensive list of merchandise offered to you in my website, ThisIsAScam.com, which will assist you in your process of language learning. The products that I have developed have been statistically proven to fully satisfy the language learning needs of 99.9% of our customers! (It’s only not 100% of our customers because Bill, my archenemy, decided to give me a bad rating for no reason. I hate you, Bill.) In any case, included in the packages are various CDs of me speaking, or at least pretending to speak, numerous languages. All packages also include my limited edition book, which provides you with all the ambiguous and useless tips I could come up with to help you learn a new language.

Now that you’ve been informed on how to learn a new language you should start, like immediately! Go learn a new language and impress everyone around you!

[P.S: This is all legit information, like I’m not even kidding. I’ve spent years researching language acquisition, please, trust me and buy my merchandise.]