A handshake. Two outstretched arms, clasping hands, a firm but gentle squeeze, and a singular up/down movement. It’s really quite simple, or at least it ought to be. A handshake is an integral part of an introduction. It is the first sign of your identity greater than your image. Often times though, I see toxic masculinity.

I hear a lot of talk about “toxic masculinity.” That is to say, there is a certain set of strict expectations that people have of masculinity, and if one doesn’t fit neatly in the parameters, then they are branded as Other. This is toxic because historically, people marked as Other are looked down upon, and possibly experience violence or hatred because they are not the same as the group. Because of this, masculine people become overly masculine, feeding into the idea of what is good masculinity or the right amount of masculinity, which then becomes a cycle of not masculine enough, more masculine, the right amount of masculinity, not masculine enough.

The other day, I was getting introduced to several people in an office. If I had not shook hands with the previous people, I’m sure this one incident would not have struck me like it did. As I clasped hands with a gentleman, his grip tightened, much tighter than I was expecting a man of his size to grip the hand of a woman of my size, and he started to turn our hands ever so slightly so that his was on top. I was absolutely floored.

Again, this response was only evoked because of previous experiences. Several years ago, I was told by a man that sometimes, men would turn their hands over the top of others’ in order to show dominance during a handshake. Had I not been told that, I would have been slightly confused about what that gentleman was doing, but that would have been the end of it.

So, I was floored when this man did that to me. He was already labeled a superior to me; being older, a permanent staff member, having more experience, and having a higher level job, but somehow that was not enough. This middle aged man felt the need to show dominance over a 19-year-old girl during a handshake.

He was in for quite a shock, however. As I felt him try to shift his hands so that he would be in a dominant position, I countered him. Since I’m not a rude person, I only shifted our hands back to an even position, rather than “showing my dominance.” At the time, I was only thinking that I was glad that I worked out and would lift weights, so that I was strong enough to not let him be dominant, but after reflecting on this situation for a few weeks, I have realized that it is much more. The look on this man’s face was great. It reminded me why I do the things that I do. I do the things that I do to surprise others, to be strong, to not fall into societal norms.