The reason liberal arts school kids think other people hate them is because of their forward left leaning progressive views. They’re under the impression that all of this knowledge and pseudo-protesting they do intimidates other schools. They sit behind a veil of hashtags and sarcasm and more money than god, posing as a frat bro’s worst nightmare. If I just described you then listen up because you’re wrong.

The reason people harbor hatred towards these folk is because they are image obsessed. And the best part is they’re not even good at being vain. I couldn’t possibly tell you how many times a day I see a girl with one of those stupid felt boater hats from urban outfitters, light blue acid washed jeans, dark black massive sunglasses to block half your face, repping a band t whose music they’ve never heard. Or the egregiously overweight hipsters with short hair died a different vibrant color every other day because if they walked around screaming “look at me everybody! Aren’t I so unique!” as much as they wanted to then they’d lose their voice and would miss out on the two moments of their day that they actually look forward to: making condescending remarks to the starbucks baristas and the second, when they spend all of five seconds guzzling down that chocolate-pumpkin spice-espresso-frapafuck yourself that they can’t help but have before and after every class. Then there’s the guy with the needlessly large unkempt beard and beanie combo. Never without an oversized shirt and skinny jeans with holed vans despite the $250 price tag still clinging to his neck.

The irony is that they walk around with this sense of esteemed individuality, so proud of the shell they’ve carved out for themselves in the world as someone ‘different’ than everybody else, yet they all look like increasingly foul clones of each other. It’s a god damn epidemic of entitled, fake emotion, overly makeuped, wannabes. Who knows where they’re getting this false sense of purposefulness. If you want to fit in then just say that. You’re already literally wearing it on your sleeves. Stop pretending that your experience is some vivid Kurt Vonnegut reimagining and that your life is nestled between the lines of a Lana Del Rey song.

There’s nothing wrong with being just like everybody else. The odds that you’re one of the once-a-decade people that will actually be worth their weight are astronomical. You’re not better than anyone else. You’re just equally a waste as your friends. You talk too loud, sing in the hallways like you’re in Glee and anyone with any common sense hates you. Your professors are most likely in that crowd. Being different isn’t being original. And originality is the only shot you have at separating yourself from the DNA cocktail your parents leaked into each other two regrettable decades ago.

See you on Monday. I’ll be the guy dressed like every other edgy-for-sake-of-being-edgy pseudo-nonconformist.