When people notice my engagement ring, or I mention I'm engaged, our conversation always takes an interesting turn. Suddenly the other party looks at me as though I have two heads, and proceeds to bombard me with words I never dreamed of hearing. You would be shocked at the amount of discouragement I have received regarding my upcoming nuptials. I eventually reached a point where I no longer wanted to discuss the wedding. I grew tired of the frustrations resulting from these conversations being had on a daily basis. Then I decided to put those frustrations into writing, and here we are. I'll give you a small taste of what I've heard over the last year.
"You're so young, why would you want to get married?" Is 21 years old really THAT young? Recall that 50 years ago most women were married by 20. The men they married were shipped off to war almost immediately, and essentially they married complete strangers. You're telling me that was considered normal, but marrying someone I've known for 5 years is crazy?
"You're going off to college, wouldn't you like to meet someone else?" Would you say that to someone about their children? 'Hey, your kid is kind of annoying, didn't you think about having a different one instead?' NO, because that would be RUDE. A similar question I often hear is "why do you want to be tied down?". Why is my situation viewed as being tied down? Why is it so difficult to understand how excited I am about spending 50+ years with the same man?
This next one always makes me giggle: "you don't have enough experience to get married". If you're wondering what kind of experience they're referring to, it's not simply meeting other men. They're referring to intimate experience, the Tinder kind, and I've been informed I'll be "missing out". First of all, that's a bit private to say the least. Second of all, we now live in a culture that applauds divorce, justifies side-chicks, and ghosting someone makes you cool. Third of all, I received countless emails encouraging STD/HIV screenings throughout my undergrad. Students were more concerned with who they were doing rather than doing their homework. So I suppose they're right about this one. I'm missing out on a lot of heartache, fearing abandonment, catfishing, worrying about STD's, retroviruses, and even more unforgettable things. #NoRagrets
"Wait till you get divorced." Wait, WHAT? Who says something like that? Let's just take a moment. Imagine you're adopting a dog from a shelter, and you're so excited to take Scruffy home. Suddenly this bitter 30 or 40 something year old walks up and goes "wait till he dies". You don't get a dog anticipating it's death, and you don't enter a marriage with divorce as an option. Common sense, or so I thought.
My all time favorite was this one: "she'll never become a doctor if she gets married now". If you only knew the advantage I have because of my fiancé. Before you get ahead of yourself, understand I'm not referring to any financial advantages whatsoever. I have someone to read my papers to, to celebrate my achievements, to encourage me when inner demons intimidate me, and somehow that's going to hold me back? There's never been a more wrong statement. To be honest, about a year ago I considered abandoning my dream of becoming an optometrist. Discouragement, frustration, and feeling unworthy left me feeling lost. It was my fiancé, and of course my family, who stepped up and silenced those demons. He specifically stated he would love me no matter what career path I chose, but reminded he knew my passion was optometry. He respects my career, he puts it before his own, he moved states away just to be with me, and in no way is he hindering my dreams. He's helping me achieve them to say the least.
To the people who have showered me with discouragement: thank you. Thank you for challenging me to stay strong, maintain my values, and persevere despite the fear you tried to instill. Your words caused questions to arise, and through them I realized just how excited I am to marry my best friend. It's not your fault you don't understand my relationship, because I'm not one to put it all out there. I've learned my lesson when it comes to wearing my heart on my sleeve. You don't get to see how he dances to make me laugh, how he surprises me with my favorite wine after a long week, or how he's gotten on his knees and prayed with me. I've found a love in him that some spend a lifetime searching for, as naive as it sounds. I can say this with confidence: God made him for me, and if we weren't meant to be then we wouldn't be at all. So do all of us young twenty somethings a favor - keep your bitter, negative, and spiteful words to yourself. You live your life while I live mine, happier than a bird with a french fry.
