(Disclaimer: I cannot speak for all cultures, I have not done nearly enough research for that, so I will be focusing on Judeo-Christian-Western-Euro-American marriage in this article.)
“Marriage is a dead institution.” Is what you hear so often these days. And it’s pretty easy to see why people say that: the marriage rate has been in a near constant decline since the eighties, the divorce rate has been a fairly steady fifty percent since 1975, relationships seem infinitely more casual than what we as a society remember, sex is no longer a “marriage only” thing, chivalry, as they say, is dead. The list goes on and on and it can begin to feel rather bleak for the hopeless romantic or the person that dreams of having a family, and as a man that is engaged and incredibly excited about that fact, it can feel daunting going into this uncertain future.
But while the future is uncertain, the past is far more concrete. And what the past says, to me at least and you can decide whether or not you agree with me after reading this, is that marriage is not dying, so much as it is being born again. The sins of the past are many. History is not a pretty place, and has been egregiously repainted as utopic. One of the most outlandish pieces of historical editing is that of the institution of marriage.
Before I get into what marriage used to be, and what marriage is, here are a couple of statistics. Marriage has been declining in the United States rather steadily since 1982. 1982 saw about one percent of the population get married. That was roughly 2.5 million people. In 2014 that was seven tenths of a percent, about 2.1 million people (keep in mind population growth). Along with these numbers between 1965 and 1975 the divorce rate went from twenty-five percent to fifty percent, and has stayed pretty steadily at fifty percent since. Those numbers seem depressing, and they make it understandable to feel pessimistic and think believe that the institution of marriage is declining. That is if you look at the numbers by themselves.
Between 1964 and 1975 nine laws via bills, executive orders, and supreme court cases were passed that made it easier and more possible for a woman to pursue a career, be financial independent, fairly paid, fairly hired, and fairly educated. In the following two decades sexual harassment and assault victims were given the ability to pursue legal recourse. In short, women were able to feasibly live independently for the first time in U.S. history. And that is important. When your financial security and standard of living is dependant on getting married and staying married, your personal wants and desires tend to take a back seat. Getting married became less and less of a prerequisite to a comfortable or livable life, and those who did not want to get married no longer had to.
On the divorce rate, women were no longer trapped in a cycle of dependence and control. It was no longer a question of staying with someone you didn’t love or be homeless. You could no longer be fired for getting pregnant, being a single mom was a possibility for the first time in history. If you were forced into a marriage because you were scared, or poor, or pregnant it was now possible to get out. The common expression is that people get divorced because they feel "stuck or bored," but the reality is that they were trapped. And that brings me to this, marriage has historically been a dead institution, and is finally being resurrected.
The very first law that made it illegal for a man to rape his wife, was passed in 1976 in Nebraska. It wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape was illegal in all fifty states. Domestic abuse was really easy to get away with until 1994, and for the majority of the history of marriage wasn’t really seen as a problem. And it’s easy to see why. The idea of the companionate marriage, a union between two people who actually loved each other, didn’t really gain traction until Shakespeare’s time, and even then it was a pretty radical idea. Even as the idea of the companionate marriage gained traction only the wealthy could really afford to marry for love. For the majority of history marriage was a business deal. The woman was a piece of property traded for anything from political relations to financial gain. In some cultures and traditions a woman would have to marry her rapist, because she was considered damaged and unsellable. Saving sex for marriage was never about virtue, but it is rooted in the idea that a woman’s value, her worth as an object, is tied to her virginity. She must be unspoiled, unused, for her to be worth anything. Women were not people, they tools for making children, and providing the man pleasure. That is a dark, dead, and sinful institution.
I am a child of divorce, and have seen first hand the effects a bad marriage can have on a family. I am so grateful my parents got divorced, my father was abusive, was a drug addict, and an alcoholic, and not good for us as a family. My step-dad is an amazing man, and a wonderful father who has raised me and helped me to become the man I am today.
Today the institution of marriage is being built, being given life for the first time. There are still people pressured into marriages they don’t want, and their are still people trapped because of poverty or fear or abuse, but we are progressing. Marriage is becoming less and less a necessity and more of a union between two people who absolutely want to be together. And sometimes that doesn’t work out, and that is okay. Because neither of the people are any lesser than they were.
I am a little over a year and a half away from my wedding. I am excited, I am in love, and I am taking my commitment seriously. And yes, there is fear, there is uncertainty, but that is what the future is. That is what love is. Two people making the decision to go into the unknown together, not because they have to, but because they want to. It will be hard at times I am sure, but that is okay. We will fight; we will persevere; we will love.
