You've heard the rumors. You've seen the evidence. But now it's time to put them all together.
Let's see whether Mark Zuckerberg is really a robot or just a thirsty human once and for all. Get ready to be exposed, Zucc.
With some questionable first evidence, things aren't starting off so well for Zucky here. The smile bar is perfectly timed with his smile as all of his features begin to change in sync with the mouse swiping. Perhaps an internal computer is working to adopt more human habits by implementing a smile bar.
Exhibit B: The Lack of Age
It seems that Zucky has had the exact same face for decades. No matter if people look relatively the same after years, something always changes about their appearance. However, Zucky never changes his appearance, as shown by this oh-so-revealing gif. In fact, he seems to be getting younger as the years go on! Could this be a result of updated machinery and new technology in his robot body?
Exhibit C: The Ice Bucket Challenge
We see here that Mark Zuckerberg has partaken in the ice bucket challenge. While on first glance, this may seem to invalidate the robot argument; wouldn't he not want to pour cold water all over himself that may damage his intricate machinery?
However, on closer inspection, we can see that Zucky has absolutely no reaction to an impressively large bucket of ice water being poured over his head. No matter how hardcore people are, there is always some reaction, whether it be a slight yelp or some trembling. We see none of that here, which leaves us to assume that he lacks external sensors that imitate the sense of touch. As for not pouring water over machinery, Zucky must have impenetrable seams and a thick external covering to protect his undoubtedly complex internal apparatus.
Exhibit D: Eyes are the doors to the gadgetry?
Harmless at first, his eyes seem human enough. But when given a closer look, they start to appear a bit... abnormal. Their peridot-green color is the stuff of romantic fiction and are too clear and bright to be truly human. All light eyes have some streaks of another color mixed within them, but Zucky's bright emerald eyes show no signs of multicolored lines. Dear technology developer of Mark Zuckerberg, this was a huge and lazy misstep. Perhaps we would have bought the whole human façade if his eyes had not given away what lies within.
Exhibit E: His Perfect Skin
JUST LOOK AT HIS SKIN. No human on the face of this planet has such amazingly smooth skin! Upon closer inspection, aka zooming in and clarifying the image, I found no bumps or valleys on his skin, even in this bright lighting. There is no discoloration whatsoever and whatever moles he has are not visible in most pictures. Therefore, this covering of his must be a synthetic skin of sorts, to cover his robot machinery, because no natural skin would be this flawless.
Exhibit F: Mark As Jesus
Okay, close your eyes and imagine this. You are creating a robot that must be passable as a human. You can make him look like anyone. So why not model him after a man that many people around the world deem as the ideal and perfect man?
We see the similarity when we transpose the face of Zucky over that of Jesus. They essentially have the same features, from the doe eyes right down to the proportional lips. This evidence is particularly damning because Mark's creator let himself slip and made what can be seen as an exact physical replica of Jesus fricking Christ.
Exhibit G: That Robotic Gait
His robot brain must register that he has mastered the art of walking like a human.
However, to the trained eye, his gait is still slightly choppy and too measured; no matter how hard a robot trains, his steps will never look fully human. Zucky's feet lift the exact same height of the floor and have the same degree tilt, and his knees and calves still bend too precisely instead of the slight natural change in gait once in a while that develops in humans. Robots cannot fool a skeptic if the skeptic knows what he or she is looking for. Good effort though, Zucky and creator!
Exhibit H: The Unnatural Blinks
What a fluid blink! However, in reality, no human blink is that smooth. This sort of motion only results from the sliding shut of a robot's eyes, sort of like an airplane window sliding shut. Zucky's eyes work like windshield wipers and his movements are so planned, practiced, and precise.
What can you expect though? Technology has become so advanced these days that Zucky, with his million-dollar, state-of-the-art gadgetry can easily avoid awkward and choppy motions and instead replace them with measured, flowing movements. Still, it's evident to the experienced eye that this is no grace of a human, it's the precision of Artificial Intelligence.
Exhibit I: The Inverted Knees
Here we see Mark Zuckerberg attempting to walk like a normal human being. To absolutely no one's surprise, he fails dreadfully. His knees seem to be inverted, assisting him in walking more efficiently. No human could possibly do this with normal joint movement... but advanced machinery could.
Exhibit J: The Contact Lens
This does not require much explanation, but clearly the perfect jade-green eyes we examined earlier are simply contact lenses, meant to cover the real Mark Zuckerberg. However, this also raises more questions than it answers. Is Mark Zuckerberg an indigo creature with glowing white eyes? Or is he a robot with lizard eyes? Why would his creator give him lizard eyes if he is a robot? Perhaps it is to give him superior vision due to an abundance of nerve endings in reptilian eyes. Or rather, perhaps it is to throw us off the trail and lead us to believe he is a lizard and not a robot.
Whatever the answer may be, this might require further investigation to determine the connection between this reptilian clue and the robot form of the Zucc.
Exhibit R: The System Overheat
What could be clearer than this? The evidence is getting more incriminating further into this investigation. Due to the pressure of the probing questions of the Senate at the hearing, Zucky's robot system, unequipped to handle human emotions with sweat and other coping mechanisms, overheats, causing him to pause for long periods of time and lose his ability to form human facial expressions temporarily.
"MUST ADD COOLANT TO REGULATE [THE INTERNAL TEMPERATURE OF MACHINERY]", his warning message reads.
And so Zucky drinks. And drinks. And keeps drinking coolant till he is practically chugging the H2O he so desperately needs during the Senate hearing so as not to internally combust.
Exhibit O: The Robo-Vision
Obviously, this is an extremely credible source that we should all trust. Mark Zuckerberg has robo-vision, informing him of different aspects of Ted Cruz and all of the other congressmembers such as temperature, facial composition, and even current emotion. Perhaps this has allowed him to see others' secrets even without the Facebook information leak.
Exhibit B: The Dissection Of His Head
When a reputable medical source executed a dissection upon suspected non-human Mark Zuckerberg, he was found to have machinery in place of a skull and the usual human cephalic anatomy. As you can clearly see, his skin is simply made of synthetic panels covering the secret that lies within. The little screen inside his head that displays the number 1984 makes it so that his "memory" stretches back no further than that year in order to ensure that he appears to be a human with legitimate memories.
However, it's too late for the Zucc. We have exposed Mark Zuckerberg's cephalic secret.
Exhibit O: The Strange Eating Habits and Tweets
Here we see a Zucc attempting to ingest food like a normal human. However, his efforts to blend in with the his "fellow" homo sapiens fail miserably. He ends up looking like a strange excited dinosaur creature rather than a human.
This tweet also exhibits glaring signs of incongruities with the normal human thought process. As Twitter is a place of few and simple words, Zucc's verbose and stiffly-worded tweet sets him apart from the human race, as a regular American would never know such complex vocabulary.
Exhibit T: Zucky finally admits it!
And finally we have arrived to what is perhaps the most potent piece of evidence: a guilty as charged confession from our man himself. Here Zucchini (which is what “Zuckerberg" autocorrected to when I was writing this) attempts to share some words of wisdom in a motivational speech to students, but ends up revealing his dangerous secret.
He admits the following in a video clip of the incident: “But it is gonna [sic] bother you because you're human and I was human...," he blanches and begins to stutter, trying desperately to rectify his grevious error and knowing he will have angered his creator, “I am human still, um, but I was just referring to myself in the past, um, not that I was not human..."
For this to be considered a simple coincedence would be to give fate too much credit. Incidents like this do not simply just occur; they always surround a dark secret, such as Zuckerbergian gadgetry.
It is time for the verdict.
Based on the plethora of evidence, Mark “the Zucc" Zuckerberg is most definitely a robot.
However, further research is required to discern his creator's intentions, his level of advanced machinery and his connection to kingdom Reptilia.
For now, we can (not) rest easy knowing that this case is closed. The robot apocalypse is not upon us just yet, but with the Zucc spearheading this covert movement, it may very well be upon us soon.
