Just as a blanket statement… Men will never understand women. However, thanks to extensive research and a few months undercover as a boyfriend, I have compiled a list of a few things that men can use to decipher the complexity that is a woman.

1. When she says “fine,” SHE IS NOT FINE.

If you happen to hear the word fine preceded by the two words “I am” you should really consider everything you have done for the past 4 years of your life because she has definitely discovered something. Now you may be the greatest guy in the entire world, but you liked a cute girl’s picture in September of ‘09 you’re in trouble. However, there is a simple solution and that brings me to my next point…

2. FOOD

Yes, it is that big of a deal to women. I mean clearly, it means a lot to us men too so use it to your advantage. She mad? FOOD… She sad? FOOD... Is she breathing? FOOD… Now, this secret has eluded men for centuries, but with my research and know how you can survive any situation even my next point…

3. The week who shall not be named

If you don’t know what week I am talking about… pray you never have to. The only way to describe this week is with that new movie that just came out, Split. It is 23 personalities packed into a tiny body that really should not be able to hold that many different people. One minute she’s holding you and crying because the dog died in the movie and in the next minute, she’s pissed because you said it was a stupid movie. The best way to avoid these situations is to become a hermit for one week a month and hopefully, you can survive. She will text you over 1 million times, but it is a lot better than the alternative. Speaking of texts, it leads into my next point…

4. Respond to her texts in a timely manner

Now, this is really based on the girl that you are dating. There are the girls that one hour later is a timely manner… on the other side of that are the girls who think two seconds later is a timely manner. If you don’t respond within those two designated minutes then you are clearly cheating. Also, whatever excuse you make is just going to make it worse. For example, “babe I was in the shower”... her response will be something along the lines of, “I know you have that Lifeproof unless you were too busy with someone else in that shower.” Therefore, in reality, the only way to avoid this would be to go ahead and respond quickly or just take the abuse that ensues. On to my next point…

5. Deciphering her text messages

When she is being very short… you’re in trouble. The words “ok” and “nevermind” typically mean… you’re in trouble. Also, you are in double the trouble if those words are followed by a period. The period is basically a symbol for… you’re in trouble times about 75. Any words that have extra letters added to the end probably mean excitement. For example, “heyyyy” typically means she is excited to talk to you. Then this also means you are required to give back the exact same amount of excitement or more. Also, if you do not give the excitement back then this is usually followed by the word “nevermind” as well as a period for good measure.

However, even with all of these rules and just plain weird situations, the most important thing is just to treat your girl right. No matter the circumstances always, treat her with respect and kindness. If you do that, all these other things become obsolete. Therefore, yes girls are the most complex creatures on planet Earth, but if you act like the guy that deserves her then all of these complexities strengthen your relationship and not weaken it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

-George Carlin