SELINSGROVE, PA- Sitting with a demeanor that could only be described as sheer desperation and spite, news outlets spotted local resident Gary Edwards alone at a table for four at a local Hoss's, twiddling his fingers sourly against the edge of the table while the rest of his party eagerly sought out the free salad bar.

"It's like this every goddamn time", Edwards was reported muttering as he rested his face against the palm of his hand, "they know that I don't like salad. And it's not like the bread here's anything to write home about." Occasionally glancing at his iPhone to see if Aunt Betty ever accepted his friend request, Edwards was reported as pouring every ounce of what little energy was left within him to not look in the direction of the rest of the table, who sources claim at the time as having reached the dressings station.

"F*** Carla, and Becky, and Davis", Edwards muttered as he typed 'kidney' into Words with Friends, "little shits can never choose between Thousand Island or that...what do you call it...vinaigrette garbage", Edwards continued, "then they all tell me 'oh, just order an appetizer', but have the audacity to get pissed when I refuse to share my onion rings."

"Oh, and then it's my fault that they're all filled-up, and suddenly I'm the bad guy for making everybody stay a little longer so I can finish my meal", sources report Edwards saying as the waitress stopped by to tell him the bread should be out in "just a bit", to which Edwards smacked himself on the forehead, forgetting that he was to ask her to skip on the coleslaw with his fish and chips.