A few days ago, I had one of those days. You know what I mean, right?
I mean one of those days where I can’t stand how I look. One of those days where I stand in front of the mirror and pick out every little flaw that I dislike about myself. Things that I wish I could change. I’d be lying if I said that the list was short.
I stand there and compare. Well, she has a slimmer waist. She has clearer skin. She probably doesn’t go through this exact same thing.
I can’t help it. I try my hardest to combat those thoughts but they approach far more quickly and deadly this time than they did the last.
We all get this way, don’t we? We all know that there are things about ourselves that we wish we could change. That’s why we make New Year’s resolutions, isn’t it?
We want to be kinder. We want to eat healthier. We want to give more. We want to get in shape. We want to drink more water.
There’s this never-ending list of characteristics that we wish we could possess. If you’re anything like me, your New Year’s resolutions are long since gone (if we’re being honest, did we ever even begin them?), and the judgmental little devil on our shoulder is speaking louder and louder and the days go on.
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Something was different when I had yet another one of “those days.” As I stood there, staring at my imperfections in the mirror, I felt this message be laid upon my heart.
“It’s possible to desire change without degrading who you are right now, in this exact moment.”
It was overwhelmingly clear to me in that moment. I was sitting there, completely tearing myself to shreds, focusing on the journey ahead rather than how far I’ve come.
If I look at where I used to be: a shattered, incomplete girl who turned to razor blades instead of God to fill the father-shaped hole in her heart, I can’t help but be proud of the young woman looking back at me in the mirror.
I was so broken. I was a mess. Homeless. Failing classes. Crying myself to sleep at night. Having panic attacks during the day. In endless counseling. Battling the demons associated with divorce and abuse. Depressed beyond measure.
But now, I am so much more. Five years can do a lot to a growing girl. I’m happy. In love with God and the life that He has given me. I’m healed. I’ve found my home.
Sure, there are things about myself that I wish to alter. Things that I WILL alter. Not because I am less than, but because I know that my journey isn’t finished yet.
There’s something so powerful in acknowledging that just because we have room for improvement doesn’t mean we are any less as people.
If we’re being honest, we have to have that drive to become a different person. If we didn’t, we’d be stuck in this endless cycle of complacency that would eventually drive us to insanity. We have to have goals. We have to want to be the absolute best version of ourselves as possible.
It’s natural to have a desire for change - for growth. We should never self assess and find ourselves content with where we are. We should always strive for better. To be better. To love better. To serve better.
If you need to glance back and realize how far you’ve come, then by all means, DO IT! It’s important to remember where you came from in order to remind you where you’re headed. It doesn’t matter what she looks like or what he is good at. Your excursion to a new you isn’t finished yet.
Just because you’re not where you want to be, doesn’t mean that you are any less. You are more. You are so. much. more.