Freedom. I don't think I ever really knew what this meant. Sure I may be free of something but rarely if ever did I feel free, fully free. For example, the day that I graduated from high school I was free of it. I didn't have to go back to that institution ever again, I was done. What I wasn't free from was the fear that I wouldn't do well in college, that other people were smarter than me, that I would make the wrong choice or miss deadlines. I wasn't free from the pressure of being only the second or third person in my family that went to college. I wasn't free from a lot of things because I was afraid. I was afraid because I didn't know who I was or who I was supposed to be.

Since I was little I was told either in words or in actions that I was a lot of trouble for people. Who I was created a challenge for them and at times they didn't have the time, capacity or ability to tolerate me as I was. I needed to be less active, less trouble, less demanding, more agreeable, more willing to try new foods, less likely to run off and go on an adventure. I needed to have fewer opinions and ideas. I needed to find easier goals or cheaper shoes and generally be less of a pain in the butt. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I just wasn't made for the role I needed to fill. No bodies fault except that it always made me feel like I was wrong. Like there was something wrong with me that I couldn't be that child, person, that they needed. Growing up thinking that you are wrong or trouble will do things to you and your idea of self.

I always felt guilty. If I caused someone trouble or pain, I apologized and assumed it was my fault because I just couldn't ever seem to be what people wanted me to be. Why did I have to be a girlfriend with requirements for behavior in a relationship? Couldn't I just be cool? What was wrong with me that I was so uptight about everything, so controlling? Oh no, here it came again,the message that I was doing it wrong. And the guilt that there must be something wrong with me that I can't ever just get it right. Here is the problem with assuming you are the problem and then feeling guilt: You will always feel wrong and bad and your guilt will attract others to use it against you so you will change and do what they want.

Well it is with a happy heart that I report to you today that I no longer subscribe to this belief. Nothing about me is wrong. I am beautiful, strong, passionate, opinionated, smart, able, passionate, tender, emotional, loving, and whole. There isn't a thing wrong with me. I'm an amazing mother, a loving wife, a caring daughter and sister, and a hard worker. I am creative and good at many things. I no longer think that everyone around me must be better than me or that they got something that I didn't.

Here is what I think now: I matter. What I think matters. What I want matters. What I need matters. What I feel matters. What I can do matters. What I create matters. What I believe matters. What I love matters. What I am matters.

Now this is new to me so I have to check in with my body a lot to make sure that I am living this new philosophy for real. I have to close my eyes and tune in. Am I nervous? Am I going against my best interest and my body is giving me signals like anxiety or fear? Am I violating my boundaries or letting someone else and it feels bad? If I am getting these fear signals or anxiety signals, I have to ask myself, what do I need right now? Not what will make this better for everyone or what do they know that I don't? Not how am I wrong here? Not how can I take care of someone else right now? NO! What do I need? ME! If I take care of me, I am giving the other person the freedom to do what they need to do for themselves apart from me. They don't need to worry about me, I've got me taken care of.

WARNING! Other people don't like this. This is especially true if they are used to you taking on the guilt, assuming you are the problem, and then giving in and doing something that benefits them or makes them feel better. That is okay. In the long run, would you rather be with people who only accept you for how you benefit them or would you rather have people in your life who see the real you and love you for it? I'm finding the pieces of me that I had been told to put away. I'm gathering them all and noticing that the picture I had before wasn't true, people changed my pieces to make the puzzle more appealing to them. They wanted a scene that was beautiful to them when they looked at me. Well I'm finding my pieces to my life puzzle that I was always meant to have. I don't know if I have them all yet, I'm still finding and gathering, but I will keep putting my pieces together and I know it will be a beautiful picture, because it will be true, authentic, and ME.