Our first year of college is a time of development, both academically and emotionally. We undergo such drastic change from all the new influences we are receiving at a time where we have a freedom that is unmatched by any other period in our lives. Then we return home for the summer. Suddenly there are rules again, parents to report back to, and, if your transition is anything like mine (Los Angeles, California back to Boise, Idaho), drastically less going on any given day. But, beyond just the issue of freedom, there is also the question of how much we changed while at school. When we return back home we’re all, at least to some extent, trying to reconcile the person we were before school with the person we are now.

It’s a cliche, but so many of us leave for college hoping, as all the movies and books promise, that we will answer the big “who am I?”. We’re all looking for what it is we want out of relationships, our education, a career, etc. Personally, though I still have plenty of questions regarding those topics, when I prepared to return home, I knew that I had made progress, yet I was terrified that this progress would have been for nothing. I was afraid that, being back in my home environment, I would turn back into the person I was before I started school. To some extent I was right in this fear; even after only a month home, I can tell that in small ways I have reverted back to how I was (mannerisms, sayings, etc.). On a bigger scale though, there are parts of myself that I allowed to change drastically enough while at school, that I can hardly remember how they used to be. These are the aspects that the, realistically short, period of time at home will not be able to take back.

At home I had never been one to talk about the big things in my life, or rather, I could talk about events in a detached way, but would never elaborate on my own interpretation or even try to put into words how I was being affected. Whether it be with my friends or my family, I was afraid to express the things I was feeling. Like many colleges, Occidental put a focus on openness, in hopes of creating a stronger dialogue regarding topics such as race, mental health and sexual assault. When I arrived at Oxy, I was constantly told to talk about how I felt, any issues I had, and anything that I was going through; this concept was completely new to me at the time. This was not an easy transition for me, and by no means have I become completely comfortable talking about everything in my life. I am still slow to trust and slow to open up, but I now understand the vitality of allowing people to know how I feel.

I am a strong believer that we are a product of our environment; I believe that the people that surround us and the place that we are in have a profound impact on our behaviors and attitudes. However, I also know it to be true that our environment and these factors are what we see them as; they can only truly alter us if we allow them to. Though I may see slight shifts in my behavior between me when I’m with my friends at school, me when I’m with my friends from home, and the me I am with my family, these are not drastic nor defining factors of who I am. My newly found ability to discuss my past, my emotions, my issues and the things that make up who I am is not something I will allow to change.