Being in a relationship with someone you love can be a wonderful thing, but at times it can also be extremely stressful. That's natural-- not every relationship is perfect. However, in the words of a friend and coworker of mine, it should give you more stress relief than actual stress. Due to some recent experiences of mine (that will be kept mostly unmentioned), I thought I'd share my insight on what makes for a happy and healthy relationship.

It's normal that not every relationship will go flawlessly 100 percent of the time. They take work. But they shouldn't take so much work that it leaves you feeling more negative about yourself than happy. Relationships are supposed to have their ups and downs, but they should not have so many downs that it causes you to feel drained all the time. It shouldn't be a chore. It shouldn't cause you to constantly wonder if you're a burden to someone. If you and your partner are truly in love with each other, you shouldn't have to go to extreme lengths to preserve the relationship.

Perhaps the most important part of a romantic relationship, or even one with family or friends (but more so a romantic partner), is communication. There needs to be a good amount of interaction to strengthen the connection you have. And not just in per�son, but over the phone or social media as well when you aren’t together. Both partners should be equally involved in keeping up the interactions between each other. Even if someone is very busy or has trouble staying in touch with people they aren’t currently seeing in person, that’s really no excuse when it comes to a relationship. If you care about someone enough to want to stay in a relationship with them, you have time that you can make to talk to them. And if you think you don’t have time to talk to them? Then you probably don’t have time for a relationship, period. Because if you truly love someone you will want to make time for them.

This is especially important if you’re dating someone you can’t see on a regular basis. Sometimes situations happen that prevent partners from seeing each other as much as y’all might like to, such as you two go to different colleges, have busy schedules with jobs or classes or what have you, one partner may go somewhere far away for a while such as the military or a study abroad trip. In cases like this, when you’re likely not to know the next time you’ll see your partner, it’s essential to communicate with each other frequently on both ends. If you guys barely talk to each other when you can’t see each other very often, how do you expect to sustain the relationship?

That being said, too much communication on one person’s end can be just as unhealthy as not enough communication. It’s one thing if the reason one of you is the one to express affection a lot more is because someone isn’t communicating enough and you expect more attention out of them. But it’s another if they are genuinely showing they care and you’re still going to greater lengths than them to communicate. If you two smother each other constantly and are in contact 24/7 and you’re both comfortable with that amount of interaction, that’s perfectly fine. But if it’s one person doing the smothering when the other isn’t comfortable with quite as much attention, it’s a problem. A partner should worry about and care for you but not to an extent that they always want to know what you’re doing, where you are, or who you’re hanging out with.

Gifts are also an important part of a relationship, at least in my opinion. I don’t even think it’s necessary for couples to spend money on each other all the time—in heterosexual relationships it’s often expected for the guy to always pay for everything and shower the girl in gifts, but those are outdated gender roles I don’t believe in. However for special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, I do encourage couples to spend money on each other. Not a shit ton of money, just enough to let your partner know you’re thinking of them on the special day. Maybe for some couples, gift-giving is not a serious aspect—and that’s fine, it doesn’t have to be. But just make sure you communicate about that to each other before anyone falsely gets their hopes up. It can suck to get your partner multiple gifts for their birthday only to find that when your birthday rolls around you haven’t received a single gift from them, until only after you and your friends have had to explain to them that buying you food like they do all the time is not a proper birthday gift. (But I promised I wouldn’t delve too much into my personal experiences, so that’s a story for another time).

Now let’s talk about sex. Sex is worth mentioning because it is an important part of a relationship for some couples. For others, it’s not as important, or not even a part of their relationship at all. Either way is completely OK as long as you’re both comfortable that way. If you and your partner do decide to make sex an aspect of your relationship, it's important to talk to each other about what you both are comfortable doing or not doing. Do whatever you want as long as both of you are clearly OK with it. If you have boundaries, make them known and make sure your partner respects them. If your partner has boundaries, you need to respect them. Don’t let anyone push your boundaries. Don’t give in to things you don’t want to do just to make your partner happy. Sex, including all sexual acts of any form, is something that you both should 100 percent want and be OK with. If someone wants to do one sexual thing it doesn’t mean that they’ll be comfortable doing all types of sexual things, or that they'll always be in the mood just because you two have had sex previously, so don’t expect them to—or worse, pout if they don’t give in. You might guilt trip someone to the point where they end up doing something just to get you off their back, but that's not consent, that's coercion. Or if someone is sleeping, extremely intoxicated, or otherwise in a situation that they can't clearly say yes, that's not consent either. It’s fairly obvious to most that no means no, but it’s harder to recognize that the absence of a no does not mean yes, either.

And if you two run into a conflict, which is more than likely because every relationship has its problems now and then, talk it out in a healthy way. Don’t avoid contact with each other and be passive aggressive—that creates more fuel to the fire. Don’t play the game of waiting to see who will try to fix things first. If something bothers you, bring it up to your partner in a loving way. Don’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush, but don’t be too brutally blunt to each other. Just be honest about the problem you have and let them know that the reason you’ve called attention to it is because you care about the relationship enough to want to work through it. If your partner is mature enough, they will take you seriously and want to work through the issue just as much. If they come to you with an issue they might have regarding the relationship, respond that way. Recognize that they’re bringing it up because they care about you, listen to what they have to say, and try to see how you can help them work through the conflict so it won’t happen again. Don't blame each other for the problem or turn it around to make the other person feel bad about it-- that's just being manipulative.

Speaking of manipulation, that can be a sign of an abusive relationship. It’s not always easy to recognize that a partner may be abusive, because it’s not a black and white situation—abusers don’t always come in the form of people who beat you up or insult you all the time. Sometimes, they are kind to you, but f**k with your emotions and mental health in the worst ways. Subconsciously, maybe not even realizing what they're doing, they make you believe you can't live without them. If a partner reassures you constantly that they love you and care for you, but doesn’t actually do anything else to show it besides saying that, then they’re being manipulative. If a partner is overly concerned about your life outside of them and constantly on your ass about who you’re with or where you are, they’re being manipulative. If a partner tries to tell you what you can or cannot do without them around, they’re being manipulative. If a partner threatens suicide or anything else if you leave them, they’re past the point of being manipulative and being straight up abusive. And as discussed before, if a partner guilt trips you about your sexual decisions or forces anything on you that you’re not comfortable with, that’s abusive. Manipulation and abuse are powerful and they come in all forms. If you're going through any of this, it’s time to get the hell out of that relationship. There are resources to get help for these situations if you or anyone you know is struggling with an abusive relationship—the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 and the Relationship Crisis Text Line is 741-741.

Relationships are a powerful part of life, no matter what. Almost all of us in the world experience at least one relationship at some point. The cool thing about them is that everyone has their preferences and different people are comfortable with different things. But no matter what, don’t settle for one in which you don’t feel comfortable with no matter how much you try. No relationship is supposed to be easy, but being in one shouldn’t cause you more anxiety than happiness.

And if you are in a healthy relationship where both you and your partner have managed to make things work no matter the circumstances, then that’s wonderful and I’m happy for you. It’s not always easy to do that.

Keep doing what makes you happy, friends—I wish you all the best, whether you’re taken or single!