Listen. I come up with ridiculous ideas sometimes. This listicle? I consider it most definitely not among some of those ridiculous ideas. In fact, I'm really quite surprised this kind of article hasn't come up before. Hasn't anyone ever taken the time to consider what it'd be like to date Patrick or to have a romantic candlelit dinner with Sandy? Well, I'm the person who finally stepped up to the plate. (And fortunately for all of us, I'm completely ignoring the ideas of genitalia and sexual intercourse with the following characters.)
Look how absolutely majestic that golden squishy square is. You know what he'd do as a boyfriend? He'd take you out to enthusiastic dates at his workplace, which he loves and serves loyally as he would his romantic partner.
He would listen to you endlessly and always ask about your day, your passions, your preferences—it wouldn't even matter if he wouldn't personally understand them; he'd love hearing about them and following them closely because they're yours.
When you cry, he cries and tries to comfort you. When you're happy, he's made ecstatic with the smile on your face. Really, Spongebob seems like the kind of guy who would do anything for someone he loves. He's the kind of guy who sounds like the sweetest boyfriend ever.
2. Patrick Star
Patrick isn't a complicated guy. He may be a bit emotionally and intellectually slow, but that's just fine; he's a sweetheart, and his intentions are always for the good of everyone, especially people he thinks are friends. And you?He'll treat his romantic partner the best, even if what he perceives as emotional closeness or displays of affection may be somewhat confusing and incoherent to his partner. That's just something they can work through together as a pair, and perhaps it's something the partner can grow to love about the unique Patrick Star.He'd probably be nicer to cuddle with, too, considering he's a huggable, squeezable star who can wrap his limbs around you, whereas Spongebob, being a sponge, may be less easy to hold to your chest, considering the less familiar cuddling material he's made of.
3.Mr. Krabs
Okay, so it says something about his character that basically every good picture I found of him included money in some manner, but that's just fine, we're definitely going to take a look at how that influences the relationship.
Mr. Krabs... he's quite the gentleman. When he treats you, he's taking you to the best restaurants. His gifts are the most lavish and expensive. He'd like to go all out when it comes to treating his partner to what he thinks is a good time. And, hey! He is a gigantic source of money.
You can always expect great gifts, or as a source of money with no strings attached, if you so desire to exploit him in that way. He's probably quite the stressed guy, though—he has to run a business, and he spends a lot of time at work, so both people in the relationship would need to work out expectations at the start so no one feels neglected or poorly treated.
4. Sandy Cheeks
She's a butt-kicking Texan girl who knows karate, takes no crap from anyone, and is fiercely loyal to the end—everything about her seems self-sufficient,
independent, and intimidating, even, so getting close to her may seem harrowing for the partner.However, this is most definitely made up with the fact that Sandy is affectionate as all heck, and she'll never miss an opportunity to show you how much you mean to her. (No, Sandy would definitely
not strike me as the "tsundere"
type despite all her other traits, and please, forgive me for bringing up that term involving Spongebob, of all things.)Of course, it might be confusing or strange for you two to talk about the times she goes into macho mode and transforms into a giant, buff squirrel that looks more bear than gentle woodland creature, but no relationship is perfect. Besides, she'd never want to hurt you –– unless you hurt or betray her first.
5. Plankton
This boy here almost seems like a Byronic hero—outcasted by society, cynical and rather vain, mostly self-centered, and... well, it's up to the viewer if he's
attractive or not. It could be very, very interesting to date Plankton: many of his nights would be spent trying to create a plan to foil The Krusty Krab's' business, and... maybe his days would be spent on that as well, or maintaining the Chum Bucket, as it is.
But Plankton—when this guy is committed to something, he remains committed to that goal or passion, whatever it may be. His smarts and endless devotion seem plenty charming to me. You'd never have to worry about any technological problem of yours ever because he could fix them in the blink of an eye. He's probably up to speed on the latest technology, too, and could get you the best gadgets ever for gifts. The only drawback might be that he's kind of tiny, so if you're human-sized or regular fish-sized, that might be awkward.
6. Squidward Tentacles
Okay, I admit I've been
waiting to get to this one. Squidward is someone we wall vastly sympathize with, right? There's some saying on the Internet that we were all Spongebobs as kids and we grew into Squidwards through adulthood. Anyway, can you imagine the way it must be to get closer to him? He's just a jaded, angry, probably depressed dude who is constantly heckled by his neighbors... but then you come into his life. You give him hope, happiness, and something to look forward to. His love is a quiet, desperate kind. Sometimes he lets his insecurities get the better of him—his clarinet playing doesn't sound perfect to him, even if it sounds flawless to you. He thinks about his peers and wonders if he's less of a squid for having no hair or being just some cashier in a fast food place instead of doing something else. He doesn't know if he's worth sticking around. But he trusts your judgment. He trusts your feeling. He treats you with a near-reverent respect and admiration, for you're the single source of joy in his life. He loves you, and he's way too... well,
himself to say anything like that in front of you, but boy, don't you ever doubt it. The bond you'd share would be emotionally profound and more complex than the sweeter romances one may have with Spongebob or Sandy.
