I would like to think that I am the type of person that is always honest. But deep, deep down; I know I am not. I lie, sometimes.

Lying can be a great tool. It can give you a sense of control and it can also give you a sense of relief.

I do like to be honest, that gives me a sense of power, just like lying can. I prefer to be honest, but sometimes I have days where I just need to lie.

Most of the time, these aren’t big lies. They are small and minuscule lies. But like, enough. Enough for me. I don’t have a lot of things that I can control in my life. However, lying can give me that sense of control. I know that it isn’t necessarily a good thing to do but if you are not actually hurting anyone, why not?

Lying can also get you out of things, such as events, meetings with people you don’t like, or meetings with people you do like. Sometimes you just don’t feel like doing things, that is usually my depression talking and taking the control. I usually just don't have enough energy to put up with people.

One day, I remember that I barely left my room. The only reason I left is because I had a very important meeting and work. I can’t miss work. I need that money. But I was so depressed that I just physically, mentally and emotionally couldn’t go to class or be a part of conversations that actually were important to me. I didn’t want to be a “downer” and I didn’t want to talk about me at all. I wanted to be distracted but also felt like they would notice how I was in a very dark place. I didn’t want that, for anyone.

In a small sort of way, I guess, I told a “white lie,” but not really. It was more of a lie by omission. For example, I like having control over who knows what, about me. And why wouldn't I want that for myself?That would be lying by omission, sort of. I also understand that I have the right to not tell people certain things that I don’t want them to know about me. But when I do want to, I just can’t for some reason or another. I feel like I am lying to them in a way. I don’t know if that makes any sense, whatsoever. That is how I feel.

Deal with it. Y’all don’t have a choice and neither do I. These are feelings we are talking about. You can’t control them. It is impossible.