High school theater is nothing compared to college level theater. Thankfully I was accepted into an amazing program where I have gotten so many wonderful opportunities to grow as an actress. One thing I never anticipated was how much I would grow into who I am physically. Not only will theater change when going to college, but your body will too. This art helped me become comfortable with how I look and embraced that my tool is made exactly how it is meant to be.
Growing up I was surrounded by body positivity. I never gave my body much mind. I was an active kid who wasn’t a picky eater in the least bit. As I turned 16, I became thinner and I enjoyed every minute of it. I gave my clothing size no mind, wearing what I wanted and what made me happy. My senior year was when I began bumping my hips into table corners and growing out of the clothes that I used to frequently wear. It was the first time I considered dieting or working out in a gym opposed to my occasional yoga class with my best friend. As I entered college, I became worried that I couldn’t spare an extra 15 pounds to my second puberty body. I took dance classes and did physically demanding shows that kept me steadily at the same weight, which I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with.
My first show of college was Guys And Dolls. A dance-heavy musical that I was so incredibly excited for. I was cast as a Hotbox dancer, which meant lots of dancing and small outfits. I reminded myself that I was chosen for a reason and that no matter what I would dance my heart out. The dress rehearsal nights was when my hesitation towards my body subsided. I had the adrenaline of performing running through my veins and the least of my worries was how my thighs looked. I loved what I was doing and that love drove me to smile my biggest and dance my hardest next to girls tinier than me.
My second semester of my sophomore year, I initialed a tiny box that said I was comfortable being in a little amount of clothing onstage. I wanted this role so badly because I knew it would help become even more comfortable on stage. I put my body negativity aside, telling myself I would be thinner by show time. The rehearsal process made me question if I wanted to represent a thin-for-stage actress or a curvy-unapologetic-character that showed that you don’t have to be 100 pounds to wear a skin-tight costume and kick ass. As I stayed up late running lines I realized that this strong female character I had the privilege of playing wouldn’t let something as small as a number on a scale hold her back. I found inspiration from this character to focus on what is important in life, not what other people are going to be saying when you are giving all you have on that stage.
After that show I found comfort that I could go onstage and embrace my body. I know now that I have the capacity to focus on what is important to me, and leave body negativity behind. The art of theater allows you to transform into different characters, well it also allowed my to transform into a more authentic self. Loving my body taught me to love my characters and to love this wonderful art form even more in the process.
