Every year, I get asked why on earth I would go back to camp and sleep in a tent in Vermont for eight weeks. I could say it's the great outdoors, the constant structure and the unlimited supply of coffee, but I would be lying. The environment, and more specifically, the people keep me coming back. The unconditional love and support, disregard for superficial appearances and conversation are the best part of my year. Last summer, I listened to a speech at one of our co-ed camp gatherings that forever changed how I view myself and the concept of self-acceptance.
The speech discussed how commonplace it is for people to compare themselves to others: weight, height, skin, hair, and clothes. It is easy to say I would be prettier if I was skinnier like her; she looks like she's happy. These comparisons lead to us thinking on conditional terms. We think we will be comfortable with who we are, what we look like, if we’re just a little bit better. There is always room for improvement, we tell ourselves, but if we only love ourselves when we reach certain goals, and there are always new goals that can be set. When will we be happy? I am not comfortable with only loving myself on those terms.
I cannot survive on promises of acceptance and love based on ifs. I will love myself if I lose weight. I will be happy if my skin is clear. I will only survive if I accept my current self. I can strive to make changes, but love that has been negotiated or withheld is false. If we promise ourselves love once these things have been accomplished then we are engraining the idea that we are not worthy. Conditional love is dangerous. Love does not come with clauses and exceptions.
No one is completely confident about who they are, or what they look like 100 percent of the time. Everyone is going to have a day where they feel insecure, unintelligent and unworthy. That is OK; those days come and go just like the good ones do. The obsessing, shaming and complaining, however, are unhealthy behaviors that need to be broken.
Self-love begins with finding things you like about yourself and everyone can do this. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you and make you feel good are vital. The more you look for the good within yourself, the more likely you are to recognize it in other people, as well. Do things that make you feel good, wear what makes you feel beautiful, and allow yourself to indulge. It is not an easy process, but it is a hell of a lot better than drowning yourself in pity and self-doubt. You don't need to feel confident and comfortable with yourself 100 percent of the time and you likely won't. You do need to practice healthy behaviors and remember you don't need to be perfect every day.
So stop comparing yourself to other people, just because they look like they have it all together. Remember that your self-worth isn't based solely on your looks, and the right mindset is all you need to feel good.
