People often ask me why I am so scared to date or why I haven't gotten into a relationship as of recent. The reason being I love a little differently.
I love with a caution to protect myself. I want to be hopeful in the idea an amazing relationship could form but I remember that the hurt I have experienced so many times before. I remember the phone calls where I continued to cry, continued to question why I 'wasn't' enough, and the constant pain I felt at night for many months. I find myself with those thoughts looming into the back of my head.
It's not that I immediately push every prospect away, it's that I am afraid they will be like the one before them. They will come into my life with a warm smile and a 'good heart' but when they get what they want, they leave. A cycle that I became well versed in for a very long time.
However, I have left that cycle. I have left that cycle in hopes of continuing to grow within myself. I have attempted to become a stronger individual in finding my own worth and guarding myself before finding a relationship.
Now you probably wonder why I am so defensive. It comes from years of hurt and heartbreak in all of its forms. I have seen the worst of men and I have seen the best.
However, the worst has found a way to outweigh the best for the past couple of years. So I have grown to be more guarded and more fierce in how I guard myself, most importantly how I guard my heart.
Being defensive means that I am a stone cold bitch. It means that I don't let someone in as easy as I once used to. I don't let them in on my secrets, I don't let them know everything about me upfront. I take my time. I take my time to know what their intentions are and what they are going to do with me after they find out who I am.
This is for the fact I have been told I'm not enough, I am too intimidating, or even that I am just flat out ugly.
This is for the fact men have done some unspeakable things to me and I still deal with the pain to this day. This is for the goodbyes I have had to say one too many times I am on my own. This is for me.
This is for the woman I am currently becoming. This is for the future I am preparing to face on my own. I have become quite accustomed to facing battles by myself before running to someone to help me with them.
The love I give is quiet and gentle. It just takes some time to get to after you break through my hard outside.
