My girlfriend has Ulcerative Colitis. I knew she was sick the day I met her and it couldn’t keep me from falling for her. For those who don’t know what UC is -- her immune system is attacking a portion of her colon. The disease is invisible, you can’t tell she’s sick by looking at her. The only tell is the bathroom. She goes to the bathroom a lot. Otherwise, she looks perfectly fine. We’ve been dating for almost three years now. We’ve been together since September 12th, 2013, 12 days after freshman move in. I met her not even an hour after my parents dropped me off.
I remember the first meal we had together. She pulled out a pill box and began swallowing dozens of different pills. She told me all about her disease, how it affects her, how it would affect me. I didn’t care, I looked passed it and only saw the girl. It’s the same feeling to this day, two and half years later.
Living with UC is a struggle. She’s written about it multiple times, here and here. This article isn’t about living with UC, it’s about loving someone with it.
I began to notice her disease right away. She would stop and clutch her stomach. She’d get up and run to the bathroom suddenly. She can’t eat foods with too much acid, or seeds -- a struggle when dating an Italian like me. Again, none of that matters. It seems secondary to all the wonderful moments we share together.
One of the awful things about UC is the flares. She can go through a period of relatively normal health and then suddenly become very sick. Increased trips to the bathroom, constant stomach pain along with her normal symptoms. Her first flare when we were together started the spring semester of our freshman year. I honestly didn’t notice it at first. Aside from the constant bathroom trips, all seemed normal. It wasn’t until that summer that I really noticed what was really happening.
The summer of 2014, I was living at school and working on campus. She lives near our school so we got to spend weekends together. One weekend I went to her house and I couldn’t keep my hands off of her. We went to a baseball game and she wore a crop top and I couldn't help but think how amazing she looked. I didn’t realize it, but she had dropped a lot of weight due to her flare. She had no appetite and what little she ate passed right through her, but the only thing I noticed was that she looked really hot.
Aside from the physical symptoms of her disease, there are her medical appointments and the side effects of her medication. When she’s flaring badly, she has to take heavy doses of Prednisone, a version of steroids. She gains a lot of weight and her face puffs up from water retention. She’s shown me pictures from before I met her during a particularly bad flare. The steroids made her look like a completely different person. Again, I have always looked passed that, not even noticing the drastic weight changes until much later. Another side effect of her medication is surpressed immune system. A cold that would make me uncomfortable for a few days can send her to the hospital. This is particularly difficult for us. As a kid, whenever I got sick, my mother wouldn’t coddle me. She would make me tough it out. I never missed school for a cold and would only be sent home if I was throwing up. Half the time when I’m sick now I don’t even notice it. I have to be cautious and keep my distance from her now. When I have the sniffles or a stomach bug I can’t kiss or hug her, much less be in the same room. Just this past week I had a nasty stomach bug that kept me in bed for several days. Not being able to kiss her or hold her was much worse than the physical symptoms.
The hospital trips are up at the top of the list of the hardest things to deal with. Aside from accompanying her to her many doctors' appointments, I’ve brought her to the emergency room twice. When something doesn’t feel right with her, she needs to see a doctor immediately. Something as simple as a cold can turn into something much worse. The first time, she woke me around 4:30 in the morning. Thankfully, it turned out to be just really bad gas!
The second time was much worse. She called me in the middle of the night a dozen times. When she couldn’t get me up, she called my roommate who woke me up. We raced to the hospital. This trip she spent three days in the hospital with a UTI and kidney infection. I spent the first night with her on the couch in her room, only returning to school to go to class and get some rest.
By far the most difficult part of her disease is the emotional trauma. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness at 14 would send anyone into a depression. When I first met her, I didn’t know everything about her emotional state. When we first started dating, her depression was the worst, or at least most visible part to me. It’s improved since then but some days are tougher than others.
The worst part is being unable to help her. There’s not much I can do. All I can do is give her a shoulder to lean on and be her cheerleader. I remind her that her illness does not define her. I remind her that she is the most beautiful girl on the planet. I remind her that I will always love her. I remind her that the only way to stay healthy is to stay strong.
Being with someone with a chronic illness is tough and it takes its toll on me sometimes. Loving someone with a chronic disease is tough, but it's worth it. My girlfriend has accomplished so much while living with UC. When I look at her, I don’t see the constant bathroom trips or dozens of pills, I see the beautiful woman who has given me so much happiness. I see the girl who has fought tooth and nail just to be normal. I see the girl who makes me feel like I can do anything. I see the girl who loves me despite my shortcomings.
Loving someone with a chronic disease is not easy, but it far exceeds the effort.
