Loving as a child of divorce is difficult. You crave love that you feel you’re missing, but push away anyone who could truly break down your walls. Regardless if your parents separated when you were young or later in life, your view on love has been permanently alternated. Witnessing a marriage fall apart in the first person will make any idea of love crumble at your feet. At a certain point you understand, because you would rather your parents find peace than constantly be fighting. Despite the newfound tranquility in separate houses, the chaos of jumping back and forth from parents takes a toll. You never want to offend Mom or Dad with things you say, yet always feel the need to take sides. Your parents may try to keep you out of the crossfire, but you always are a causality.
Constantly questioning your wording with your parents has made you cautious with love. You do not want to offend the one you love so you don’t say all of what you want. Rather than going through the fighting your parents endured, things fester under the surface. Whether it be with a friend or in a romantic relationship, confrontation terrifies you; never do you want to push someone to the point that they will leave you. You’ve seen it happen first hand, that even after decades of marriage, someone you love can just walk away. This is where your fear comes from. Why invest your time and love in someone who can just get up and leave?
Despite your fears of commitment and abandonment, you still get lonely. It’s a paradox where you crave love so much, yet the thought of being vulnerable in love terrifies you. At 20 years old, you're expected to have clear sights on what you want out of life, yet here I stand, terrified and confused. I want so badly to love, yet push anyone away who gets close enough to heal the wounds on my heart. Dating has always been an area of my life I struggle with. Yes, I have had boyfriends and experienced love, but I have also fallen out of love and seen someone I care about mistreating my heart. Every time I take a step toward opening up, I feel all the anxiety and worries come spilling out from behind the walls I spent years building up.
I built these walls to numb the pain. I wished to stop the hurt of seeing my family fall apart. In the end, I stunted my emotional maturity with these barriers. Never letting anyone in forced me to bottle up my feelings and try to rely on myself, but I have come to the realization that everyone needs someone. Dealing with problems alone, internalizing everything will make you go crazy. You master the art of shutting down your emotions and shutting people out. As I’ve grown my emotions have began to boil over and caused breakdowns. These breakdowns force the ones I am trying to love away and isolate me further.
The vicious cycle of wanting love, but avoiding heartbreak at all costs, continues to go around and around without any real end in sight. This trend was set in motion by the first heartbreak I felt, the heartbreak of watching my family crumble. The scar this created has damaged most all areas of my heart. They say time heals all wounds, but in reality we just learn to live with the pain. At the end of the day, all I can hope for is that I can take steps day by day to chip away at these walls and sort out who is deserving of experiencing my emotions, good or bad.
