Acne has been something I have been forced to deal with since about sophomore year of high school. I had picture-perfect clear skin until this time, and when that went away, so did my self esteem. Through time and a lot of support and love, I have now accepted my skin and I'm learning to feel beautiful no matter what my skin looks like.
Acne is something so simple, but somehow has the power to completely change how a person feels about themselves. I used to look in the mirror and hate my skin. Sadly, as someone with fair, almost porcelain skin, every bit of acne I ever had has stayed with me as a little red mark on my face. So not only do I get a lot of actual bumps, I also have these red dots all over. My use of a seemingly large amount of makeup to cover these scars is often questioned, for people simply don’t understand. I know makeup doesn’t cover the bumps. I know you can still tell I have acne and scars, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel closer to what the other girls look like.
People with clear skin will never understand how difficult it can be to look around a room and see girls with clear, beautiful skin, knowing these girls don’t have to work to cover their skin every day. It is so difficult to see these girls who don’t have to worry about how they look in the lighting of each room they walk into or worry about which side of someone they stand on so that person don’t see the bad side of their skin. And most of all, none of these girls have to worry about someone not liking them because of the uncontrollable blemishes on their face.
Acne is not always something a person can control. Over the years, I have received countless and extremely ignorant questions, such as: “Have you tried washing your face regularly?” or: “You know, if you didn’t wear so much makeup, maybe your skin would clear!” I cannot explain how much statements or questions like these frustrate me. I wash my face at least twice a day. I put on acne-clearing facemasks at least twice a month. I have been to several different dermatologists and aestheticians who have shoved giant needles into my face or tried to burn it off with a chemical peel. I take several medications every day as well as apply creams and solutions to my face. The makeup I wear is designed for those with acne-prone skin, so guess what? It isn’t the problem. Please do not recommend products to me, because I have tried every single acne medication out there, I promise. My family has spent so much time and money trying to fix my acne only to discover that is not due to how I treat my skin. It is because of an imbalance inside my body that I was not aware of til recently and had no control over.
Having acne does not make a person unattractive. It took me a long, long time to realize this. When I first started getting acne, I just accepted that I was ugly and couldn't be beautiful no matter what, simply due to the acne on my face. I went all of my sophomore year of high school trying to isolate myself and hide the way I looked at all costs. I wore the same old jeans and t-shirts to school everyday, my hair in the same side ponytail. I figured that if my face wasn't pretty, it didn't matter what I did with the rest of my body. I was so wrong. Thinking back, I cannot believe I did this to myself. I cannot believe I wasted so much time worried about what other people thought about the way I looked.
At the beginning of my junior year of high school, I met someone who told me I was beautiful every day until I believed it. Now, our relationship went bad after about a year (so bad, he has me blocked on all social media now- oops), but this person changed my life. I remember constantly trying to hide my face from him, reapplying makeup halfway through our dates or letting my head resting on my hands, my fingers purposefully covering the "bad" parts of my face. I remember switching sides while we were walking together because I knew my hair fell on that specific side and could cover my face. Eventually, he caught on to this, and began constantly switching back so he was on the side of me I considered "bad."
One night, he said something to me that completely changed my life. We were simply lying on his couch, and I was doing the usual: hiding my face with a blanket. He pulled the blanket down, forcing me to allow him to look at my whole face. He lifted his hand and stroked my cheek, which terrified me. I had never let someone touch my face, because I was absolutely ashamed and disgusted by it. I immediately pulled his hand away, but he put it right back. He stroked my cheek again, and told me I was beautiful. I tried to pull his hand away again, but he kept it there. "I love your skin," he said softly, causing me to burst into tears. "I love you," he continued, "and I'm going to think you're the most beautiful girl in the world no matter what your skin looks like."
Even though we fell out of love eventually, that little moment in his living room will never leave me. That night was so much more to me than a boy telling me he thought I was pretty. I was so insecure in the way I looked, the mere thought of someone falling in love with me absolutely baffled me. How could someone possibly look at my skin and still love me? This boy loved me, not despite my imperfections, but because of them. Because of those few, simple words on that night, I now have the power to look in the mirror, see my imperfect skin, but love myself anyway. His words on that night made me realize that I can still feel beautiful and be loved no matter what my skin looks like.
Beauty is so much more than the way your face looks, and having blemishes in no way defines your beauty. If you are riding the acne struggle bus like I am, I really hope you are able to realize that not having perfect skin shouldn’t make you feel less beautiful. You can still be beautiful.
You are still beautiful.
