To the Man I loved who was only a boy:

I loved you so much but it was never quite enough. My mistake was thinking that you were growing with me instead of away from me. I believed, perhaps foolishly, that you were becoming the man you were destined to be before my very eyes. I saw the man you could be and all that you could do but you weren’t that man yet and maybe you never would be. Love is hard but so is growing up. I’m sorry for giving you the part of yourself that you weren’t ready for. I think I overwhelmed you. I gave you everything, with too much love, too much effort, and too much seriousness. I just gave too much. And that was the issue.

I saw a side of you that you just weren’t ready for. You wanted to be a kid and make your own mistakes and get to where you wanted when you got there. It was something you were meant to receive when you were ready. Perhaps I was meant for a different part of your life, for a different stage. But I was there, I was there when you needed me and for whenever else you wanted me. But you weren’t a man, you were simply a boy and that was my mistake for thinking anything but.

I’m sorry for being too much. I’m sorry for not being the fun, happy go lucky girl you wanted. Being an old soul is hard, especially when you are constantly being surrounded by people like you. But wasn’t that one of the very reasons why I fell in love with you? You were everything that I wasn’t and maybe a small part of me wished that I could be more like you. But if I was, what would have become of us? Who would have given it their all? I was one of the few people who saw you; saw you for who you really were and who you could be. But maybe this was the problem, you weren’t that man yet and I shouldn’t have been the only one giving. Our relationship had died a long time ago and I just kept it going, not wanting to see it, or believe it.

And yet for all your faults, for all the times you left me crying, and for all the times you left me wondering if you were coming back, I still loved you. Because no matter how dark our night sky was, my own was darker and I believed you were the light that could lead me out. I was wrong. I foolishly believed that you were my outlet. But I needed to lead myself out and though I made your sky so much brighter, you were only the wind that pushed the clouds out of the way to reveal the Sun for just a moment in time.

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I wrote the above six months ago, I won’t lie to you, I couldn’t finish it. Every time I opened this up, I cried. And I’m sure you are wondering why I kept opening it or why I even kept this. I wonder that myself too. But then I think why did I save all the pictures I have with him in a folder titled with our date? Why do I keep the mug he got me? Why do I still listen to the songs that we sung in his truck? Well, the answer is because they are memories.

Three years is a long time and it’s okay to keep things and remember things in a good way. It doesn’t mean that you still love the person or that you want to be together, it simply means that you enjoyed the time that you had and happen to still enjoy the things you did. The songs, the pictures, and even the gifts, they aren’t his, they are mine. They don’t hold me to him but they hold me to myself and the memories I made, even if they were with someone who is no longer in my life. They are a reminder of how far I have come and the fact that every day I can look at those things and not get sad, but have a happy reminder of the time I spent with someone I loved, is a good thing. It’s not regret or shame, it’s just a distant reminder of a happy memory.

But if you are reading this, and you are hurting because of a boy/girl/partner, just remember all the light, and love you carry inside you. They are nothing compared to your brilliance. Everyone is their own special type of sunflower, and it’s time to bloom on your own. I have come so far in such a short period and have learned that there are people in this world that do not deserve our time or respect.

In my time alone (and my time with my current partner), I have flourished and become my own light. I always thought that I was thriving and being the best person I could be but, I was simply living in the small fraction of light he put aside for me. And I was okay with that, until I learned how strong my own light was. I finally saw that my own light was brighter than anything someone else could offer me. So, trust in what is inside you and never let anyone dull your flame.

You are stronger than you know, and you need to see the beautiful being that you are before anyone else can. Appreciate yourself; take the time to realize who you are and all that you wish to be and do it! I know it’s so much harder than it sounds or looks, but for every night that you spend crying in your pillow, you will have a hundred more nights that are filled with joy, laughter, and good company. Look to the future, look to your future. Cry, let it all out, and then get up, put your big girl shoes on and get out there and make your life something that you want to get up and live every day.

This was supposed to be a letter to a boy that I was in love with, my first love, and the person I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. But I found something much more important, myself. And I will never choose something or someone over me and my happiness ever again and neither should you.