You can study for a test, make lists for camping trips, stretch before an exercise, but no matter how much you prepare, you will never be ready for the death of a loved. Scenario after scenario whips through your mind. Some so powerful they bring giant, globs of tears that stream down your face. A part of you wants to just accept it, the other part doesn't want to let them go.
It was November 7th, 2015 when my Memere passed away. Let me tell you it was very...very difficult. The reason why I decided to write about this topic is in hopes that I can bring something to you, my reader, which will help if someone has passed on in the family or may be expecting to. Especially if you are away at school. I am going to tell you my story in hopes that it may help you if you or someone you know is going through something similar.
It was my freshman year at Keene State College, the exciting buzz of campus, getting to learn new things, a fresh start, everything seemed A-OK. Of course I was super anxious my first week living on campus and I was very homesick. Fortunately, I had met some wonderful friends up at Keene, who helped me feel less homesick. Within a couple of weeks I had my second home.
As I begin to tell my story, I would like you to keep in mind my Memere had been sick for many years. In fact, there were points of time before 2015 that my family and I thought she was going to pass away. She had been in and out of the hospital and a rehabilitation facility quite a few times throughout the summer before I left for school. However, there was one time in particular that I received a call that literally change my life.
I was back at home for the weekend and out driving with my best friend when my mom called, I asked my friend to pick it up. I heard my mom’s voice over the phone, “I need to talk to Katelyn.” With a sinking feeling in my stomach I immediately pulled over and picked up the phone.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I responded.
“You need to see Memere, today.” All I could do was cry. I remember the moment and the feeling so vividly. I knew that this was the beginning of the end. The following two weeks were honestly the toughest. I would call every day to see how she was doing. It was hard being away at school and knowing my Memere would soon leave this Earth, to a much better place. I want to let you know, that it is ok to grieve, even before anyone passes away. It’s called pre-grieving. It’s important to feel the emotion and let it out rather than bottle it inside. Trust me, it’s not going to help. Which I will get to at a later point!
My friend was kind enough to drive me to my aunt’s house where my Memere was staying. She did not want to go to the hospital, she was much more comfortable passing at home. It’s strange how most people know that they are going to pass away. I still wonder how she felt. I know that she was definitely ready to go. She had had enough of being sick.
I saw my Memere awake that day for the last time. I was so happy to have been able to say good-bye and I love you and to hear it in return. That was the last time I heard her voice. After seeing her I went back to school for another week. Once again I would call every day to see how she was doing. I felt so out of control, like calling was the only thing I could do. It wasn’t like I could magically make everything better. I suppose that is a big problem amongst humans, we need-we crave-control. It’s what keeps us sane. I assure you, however, that being out of control in this situation is absolute ok. The best thing to do, is just be there with your family or friends. That will mean the most when all is said and done.
Each day that passed she got a little worse. One day she stopped taking her medication, (She really didn’t want to anymore and no one was going to force her. She was stubborn as all heck! But like I said earlier, she had enough.) The next she was unconscious, after that her breathing got a little worse, and then it came to the following Saturday that my brother (whom was a senior at Keene) and I were able to visit once more.
It was a long day to say the least but it was one full of love, compassion, and peace. Reader, I may not know your religion, or beliefs, but I greatly believe that there is a higher power. I truly believe that when a loved one passes, they go to an amazing, beautiful place. The process was not easy, but it is their time to move on in the great cycle of life. I did see the “symptoms” of death at that time and some of those images still remain in my mind. I remember hearing her breathing change throughout the night (the specific breathing is called the “Death Rattle”. I still hate that term. It just doesn’t sound pleasant.), I remember seeing her body after her soul had left. I kissed her cold cheek as two men stood at the door ready to take her body away. I left the room, the men took her away and that was that. She was gone. I was devastated, my best friend, my second mom that had been there for me since birth had left the Earth in a single moment. I don’t think I could cry enough. At the same time though, I felt relieved, I felt happy I knew she wasn’t suffering and loved with all of my family together, supporting each other. Of course, after, there was the wake and the funeral but I am not going to go into detail with those. Especially since that would make this lengthier than it already is!
After all was said and done I emailed all of my professors explaining what had happened. Fortunately, they were very kind and understanding. It is always important to communicate with professors, as they are there to help you through school! It’s OK to talk to them. I promise, they are human as well. They have also been through common experiences. Repeat it with me, professors are people too. I took the week off from school to attend the services, even though I was worried as all heck that I would fall behind in school work. Here is another important tidbit I learned: While you are gone for the funeral and wake, do not worry about school. It will only add more stress on. I promise, you will catch up and you will be OK. Your professors are not there to fail you, they want you to succeed. They do understand life happens!
I also made an appointment with a school counselor, as well as a grief counselor later on in the year. It is totally OK to see a therapist. Especially the ones at school! They are extremely nice and are also there to help you with anything. Never be afraid to reach out for help. Oh yes, and never ever be afraid to cry. Grief is a very strange thing. It tends to come in waves and can last longer or shorter than you perceive it to be. After about a month, I still felt very sad and depressed. I actually thought I was supposed to be done grieving, so I tended to keep to myself. I can tell you, I was definitely, 100 percent, not done with grieving. It may be years before you’re done, it may be months, or you may not be all that affected in the first place. All of that is absolutely ok. In addition, if you have been taking care of a loved one, or they have been constantly ill, it’s ok to feel relieved after they pass on. Your body can go through a great deal of stress worrying about them, taking care of them, or supporting your family members. So if you feel relieved, do not feel guilty! It is another part of this large process. Never let anyone tell you how to feel.
As I wrap this up, I would like to thank you for listening to my story. I truly hope you feel a little less alone in the world if you were feeling so before. It is always ok to talk about your experiences, it actually helps you cope with grief. I know I talked a lot about it and I still do!
Losing a loved one is painful but you will get through it. It is true that time does heal. Take everything one day at a time. You may have good days and you may have bad days but guess what? That’s right! It’s ok! I believe you will get through this and don’t forget to believe in yourself. You are a lot stronger than you think you are! You can and you will do this.
Much love,
Katelyn
After thoughts:
I am glad for everything that has happened, don’t get me wrong. I was happy to have experienced the love my family showed and witness distant relatives get close. It gave me a new outlook on life. You learn to appreciate the precious beings and living creatures around you. I can honestly say I have no regrets. I will tell you, it is important to appreciate and love those in our lives now because you really don’t know when someone may not be here anymore. Enjoy their company, enjoy the good times, and embrace that the bad times make you stronger.
In loving memory of Dora Raymond, J'taime Memere <3
