October 22nd, 2015, a soul, a husband, a brother, a father, a grandfather was lost. I always believed that nothing bad could ever happen to this family. I thought that, no he was a strong person and nothing could ever take him away.

I thought.

I thought.

We all thought.

This is the second year, we celebrate him without him.

It hurts so much because we never even celebrated him when he was here.

Of course everyone notices him when he is gone.

Is it sad that I feel like he never even existed?

I thought about him all the time and wondered what he was doing up there (if there even is one.)

I thought about his presence, laughing at my jokes.

Him mocking my grandma.

Sitting at the far right in the middle of the table.

Filling out his word searches.

Hearing his annoying snoring.

Now? I look at his picture frame and see a stranger, I feel nothing but confusion.

No memories come back to me.

Is it because I blocked all of them to protect myself?

I don't know.

I look at my grandma and she sheds a tear knowing that today he is once again gone.

The day before Valentines Day, he was born, but now he is gone.

The only thing that sickens me is that even after he is gone, I have done nothing but made my own life worse.

I promised him, things would change.

I promised him I would become more independent.

Two years have gone by and I have given him nothing but disappointment for his birthday.

I am so sorry.

I wish things were different but they haven't changed.

I know all he ever wished was happiness for all of us, but none of us have given it to him.

I am lost, we are lost.

We miss him.

How the hell are we supposed to be happy when he isn't here.

I just wish I could talk directly to him and say "you" one more time.

I wish today, I could give you one last hug and say "happy birthday abuelo."

I wish he could taste that chocolate cake one last time and have one last laugh.

I wish he could see what we are doing down here, see his great grandkid!

I wish so many things.

I wish.

Happy Birthday grandpa.

I will always love you and even if I don't think about you, you have a spot in my heart already.

Happy Birthday.

Happy I will be today, just for you.

I will try.

Let me know how you're doing.