A month ago, I was in a beauty salon getting my hair done. As a black female, this is known to be an arduous process. It took up the better part four hours, and when it was finished, I had a full head of long, curly hair that made me feel good about myself. But while I was still in the chair, this guy who was talking to my stylist looked at me and said, “You know, you may think you look good, but your significant other isn’t going to like all that hair.” I know he meant nothing negative by it; he was trying to be helpful and offer a young kid some free advice. But if I’m being honest, this comment really bothered me, enough so that a month later, I’m sitting on my couch writing an article about it.
When I was a kid, I spent more time than I should’ve wondering if I was pretty, and wondering whether or not I was attractive. Was I funny enough? Was I smart enough? Was I too shy or too awkward for someone to ever like me? These thoughts consumed my middle school brain. I even wrote terrible, inquisitive poetry in my attempt to convey these feelings. I spent a lot of timing basing my self-worth on what other people thought of me, and whether or not they liked me.
I found a lot of youtube videos and articles titled things like, “What guys like about girls” or “what makes a girl really attractive to a guy.”
I thought that if I was able to master these things, I’d finally be well-liked. Spoiler alert, that’s not what happened. These articles were never actually helpful. They were usually incredibly subjective, shallow, and I just ended up feeling defeated afterwards. Nothing that these guys said was going to make me feel better about myself, not for the long haul anyway. And what did these random strangers really know? They knew how to get views from insecure teenage girls, that’s for sure. But in the end, it was all just fuel for the self-doubt bonfire. Oh, so guys like a girl with a cute laugh? How am I supposed to know if my laugh is cute?
Getting older has taught me that it’s far more important for me to be happy with me than for anyone else to be. I spent way too much time mulling over whether I was likable instead of just focusing on being myself. No one should base their happiness or value on the opinions of others, especially those who haven’t even taken the time to get to know you. You have to love yourself first.
To bring back a middle school favorite, there’s a lyric in an All Time Low song that goes “Love yourself so no one has to.” This line used to confuse me. Why wouldn’t I want someone to love me? But I think it’s more about loving yourself so that you aren’t constantly looking for that validation from others. I can’t say that I’m flawless at this. Heck, I’m not even fairly okay at it. I still struggle with wanting others to validate me and make me feel good about myself, but at least now, I know better. So I’m going to get my hair done however I want it, and maybe it’ll be ridiculous and excessive, but if I like it, then that’s all that matters.So this Valentine's Day, post a selfie on your social media platform of choice and tag it #BYOV because it's never a bad thing to "Be Your Own Valentine."
