I'm not fat, nor am I skinny. I have no health problems caused by my weight. I have no tragic backstory. There are no mortifying experiences of not being allowed to ride a roller-coaster because I won't fit in the seat or harsh realizations that if I don't start gaining weight I'll wither away and die. I exercise and I struggle just like everybody else. My entire life, I have bounced back and forth in the healthy BMI range like a lazy pinball; gaining weight and losing weight but always remaining extremely average.

And yet, I don't like what I see.

Listen, I get it. I know it's all been heard before. There's always that one girl that looks at the reflection of her size 4 waist and says "Omg, I'm soooo fat." and then her squad of supporters surrounds her and says "Oh my god, stop! You're soooo skinny! I'm fat!!" I know there are so many stories that make my petty self-consciousness irrelevant. I also know that not everybody hates the way they look, and there are some really awesome people that embrace their curves and genuinely don't care if they're plus-sized. It may sound like I'm here to complain but I'm not. I can only speak for myself, and, personally, I feel that the fat on my body sucks, and I hate it.

Actually, it's a bit more complicated than that. I'm grateful to fat for giving me curves and a feminine figure. It's a necessary part of living and my fat carries within it so many happy food memories. But like an unwelcome guest, it stays for too long and takes up too much room. It's the little things that annoy me and sometimes totally depress me. The way it feels when I lean over and it feels like someone is pinching me together. The way I look in the mirror. The slow realization that this skirt should not be this tight. EXERCISE. And the thought that nobody would ever want to see this body unclothed. The pathway to feeling bad about the way you look is traversed within both the mind and body.

The weird thing is that we aren't nearly as critical of other people. On me, fat is gross and globby. On others, people who are heavy are just adorable precious gumdrops and people who are super skinny are graceful gazelles. When applied to myself, measurements become prophecies of loneliness and self-loathing. Sweatshirts become less of a comfy piece of clothing and more of a screen that separates my opinions of my body from everybody else's.

I think the battle between you and your body is one of those that can't be won with hate. Fat is one of those enemies you fight with love. It sounds odd but I think we end up feeding and indulging on the self-pity and disgust that accompanies gaining weight. With a box of Oreos in one hand and Netflix on our lap, we hate ourselves and condemn our despicable acts as we do them. And that's how our bodies take over. We lose command because we have proven ourselves to be poor pilots and our vessels have taken control.

But what if we loved our bodies? Not in the way that we're ok with stagnation and "whatever happens, at least I'll die fat and happy!" But the kind of love for ourselves that shows itself in the polishing and tending to our forms. These bodies are meant to be cultivated, tested, cherished, and accepted. This doesn't mean "get skinnier", this means "take care of yourself and find your happy place."

This is a personal article, but I want to prove that hating and fearing your body's expansion is how you're going to lose. Despising yourself for being too big or too small won't spur self-improvement, it'll just give birth to despair. I know I'm a hypocrite giving this advice, but I mean it. I may hate how my tummy droops or how I have stretchmarks on my thighs but I also love how I can use my body. I love the feeling of sore muscles and being out of breath and how GOOD FOOD CAN TASTE. The emotions, desires, and features it can create are baffling and extraordinary. I love what I can do and want to challenge what I can't do.

We are the captains of our ships. And even though our little flesh boats are susceptible to extraneous circumstances, we can do fantastic, amazing feats with them. So do whatever you want with yours, but keep in mind that your body works hard for you and wants you to be happy. Take care of it and treat it with love!