Whenever we talk about consent to physical contact, we almost always do it with a sexual context, using phrases like, "No means no," or "They weren't asking for it," etc. While I completely agree that no one should be forced into any sort of sexual situation that they don't want to be in, I feel like we should extend the scope of the conversation: How does one reject physical, platonic contact in a good way?

For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't like being touched. Every hug, kiss, and even a rub on the hand or shoulder made me recoil internally. I put up with it and didn't say anything, because I didn't know how to. These signs of affection were coming from my friends and family, and weren't remotely creepy or sexual in any way. It meant they loved me, and I loved them, too. So, why was this a problem? I wasn't entirely sure, but in the end, I erroneously attributed it to teenage angst.

Now, I'm actually fairly okay with being hugged and kissed, as long as it's quick, although I myself initiate physical contact rather infrequently. In general, I've found that those who initiate hugs or kisses are typically "E"s (Extroverted), "F"s (Feeling), or both on the Myers-Briggs scale. I, however, am neither, being an INTP. Therefore, I initiate hugs very rarely: only on special occasions like birthdays or holidays, or if someone seems to be in emotional turmoil and in need of comforting.

Nevertheless, I will always ask someone first before I touch them by saying something like, "Do you need (or want) a hug?" That way, they have the opportunity to say either yes or no. While I have plenty of friends that love being hugged, I also have plenty who don't; I would never want to do something that would make someone uncomfortable or more unhappy. If they respond with something like, "No, I'm good, thanks," that's as acceptable to me as, "Yes, please!"

I know it may seem kind of weird that I ask permission for a hug. A kiss on the lips or something much more? Sure. But a hug, really? Why? The truth is this: I sometimes wish that more people would ask before they touched me. If I'm in a good mood, or I haven't seen you in a while, a hug (or kiss, depending on the person) is to be expected. Some people, like my Big, hug me hello and goodbye every time they see me. That's fine, as that's how they communicate affection, and it can actually be quite sweet.

However, if I look sad, frustrated, angry, or panicked, please ask before you touch me. I know I'm adorable and look very huggable, and that seeing me in my emotionally unstable or fragile state can trigger your comfort reflex, but it may not be a good reflex to act on. If I'm mad, I may perceive your comfort as patronizing, causing my anger to redirect itself in your general direction. I may be small, but, as Bruce Banner says, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." That wouldn't end well, believe me.

More importantly, I do get panic and anxiety attacks, and, when witnessing one, you might feel the urge to hug me to help me calm down. This is a bad idea. For those of you who are fortunate enough to not get panic or anxiety attacks, let me walk you through what one feels like for me: the walls are closing in, there's no oxygen in the air, a weight the size of an elephant is on my chest, and my mind is whirring a mile a minute, contemplating all the things that could possibly go wrong. All of this sends a short, single message running on an infinite loop through my brain: Get out; get out; get out; get out; GET THE HELL OUT IMMEDIATELY! Meanwhile, you're sitting over there, watching me hyperventilate, cry hysterically, and dry-heave. You think to yourself: Oh, that poor girl. If only I could do something to help her and let her know that I care. I know! A hug will do the trick!

If I feel like I can't breathe because the world is collapsing around me, the absolute last thing I need is someone wrapping their arms around my body, constricting my space even further. Plus, my nerve endings are hypersensitive, making even the lightest touch feel like an electric shock running straight to my brain. Far from helping me, an embrace can actually cause me to panic more, possibly resulting in me clawing frantically at you in a desperate attempt to extricate myself from your clutches.

I know you were trying to help, and I really do appreciate that you care so much about me. However, you went the wrong way about showing it. So, instead, try talking calmly to me a safe distance away from my personal bubble. Remind me of how smart, competent, and talented I am, that my situation is only temporary, and that you'll help me get through this. Most importantly, remind me that you love and support me. I always need to hear that. (However, never, ever tell me to "calm down" or say that my anxiety is "all in my head." Yes, it is; that's the problem. I can stop panicking about as much as you can stop breathing.) After I've calmed down, I might be so grateful for your help that I actually ask for a hug!

If, after reading all of this, you feel guilty for having hugged or kissed me without asking, please don't. Chances are, if I looked happy to see you, it was wanted. However, sometimes we make decisions for people based on what we think they want or need, rather than what they say they want or need. (If they're not in a position where they can say anything, it's still better to stay on the safe side.) These assumptions can wind up hurting them rather than helping them, whether they say so or not.

Lastly, if you don't like being touched, in whatever way, shape, or form, it's okay to express that. You don't have to put up with it just because you're afraid saying otherwise might hurt someone's feelings. If they care about you, they'll respect your wishes and boundaries. Bottom line: It's your body, and you alone gets to decide what happens to it. There are many different ways to say "I love you," and they don't have to be physical.