Self-love

People always said I should love myself. However, I could never take this advice seriously because it is something that is talked about as if important but is never really emphasized as to why. But what is self-love,what does that look like?This is something I've always asked myself. I still wasn't sure of the actual definition so I decided to search on Dictionary.com.Self, the noun,is defined asa person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality:one's own self. Or a person's nature, character, etc.:his better self.The definition of love, the verb, is to have love or affection for another person; be in love.The definition for self-love, the noun, is the instinct by which one's actions are directed to the promotion of one's own welfare or well-being, especially an excessive regard for one's own advantage.

The definitions for love and self-love both troubled me. Love is only defined by affection of another person or thing. And self-love is referred to as "excessive". Yes, it is possible to love other people and things but it is also possible to love one's self. And though there are those out there that have a conceited nature does not make loving yourself excessive. For a long time, I felt guilty for caring for myself more than I did others. I had to realize that loving myself more does not mean that I love others any less. Inreal simple terms, self-love is to "Love Thy Self" by being passionate, understanding and caring to one's self. To invest time and energy in one's self. But why are these things of any importance? This was something that took me a while to really understand.

My Journey to Find Self-love.

As a little girl before public school before being liked by boys and being accepted by my peer,self-love was not a practice I had to keep on top of. I loved myself. I wasn’t afraid to say yes when I liked something and no when I didn’t. I knew who I was, what I wanted and no one could tell me otherwise. I was intelligent, beautiful and caring. See how I said “was”. Well as I got older it became more and more difficult to believe this. Filled with everyone’s opinions and words of “advice” I began to feel less intelligent, less beautiful and less caring. Their constructive criticism was enwoven with their own opinion and biased of the world and were like boulders on my fragile ego. Eventually I was just existing following “the rules” of society. Waiting for it's approval and for its acceptance. Looking for that missing piece not realizing the only thing missing was within me.Self-love not only makes you feel good about yourself but it also provides confidence, assurance and faith in all things that you do and/or believe in.

I've always understood that self-love was important but I never understood how much a lack of self-love could affect a relationship.When I was told that "if you cannot love yourself how can anyone else love you" I used to ignore it. Eventually it became clear to me what that meant. Recently, however, I've come to realize that it is hard to form meaningful relationships with people when you are clouded by paranoia and insecurities. I look back now at a lot of the friendships I had that fell flat due to my insecurities. I thought I was nothing therefore I felt as if everyone, even those who loved and cared for me, thought I was nothing. But it was at the point of one of my most recent romantic relationship where I realized how much it really crippled the relationship. Now don't get me wrong neither of us are perfect, achieving self-love isn't about achieving perfection. But a lot of the issues we dealt with became more harmful than needed due to my paranoia, insecurities and the self-destructive behavior that came because of that.I drank, smoked, partied and cut my feelings away. Which caused those who loved me to suffer which eventually pushed them away. What I realized is that this phrase does not mean no one will love you. However, it will be very difficult for those who don't love themselves or see the beauty in their selves to accept, understand and/or appreciate someone's love for them. And then there are those like myself who may accept, understand and/or appreciate the love, however they solely rely on that love to fuel their self-love. Both circumstance leave you filled with fear and anxieties that make it difficult to be close or open up with others. My inability to love myself caused a lot of hurt not only to myself but also to those who loved me the most.