Living with a mental illness has caused more ups and downs in my relationships than I'd like to admit. I know it isn't easy for someone to watch my emotions, personality or demeanor completely change, sometimes at the drop of a hat. Some days I have a hard time getting out of bed, other days I stay up the whole night, never getting an ounce of sleep. I tend to seclude myself from friend and family activities, thinking they wouldn't even want me in their presence, to begin with. I find comfort in hiding away in my room, convincing myself that this is where everyone would rather me be. On more days than not, I contemplate my worth as a human. Am I even good enough to have loved ones in my life as I do?
I say a lot of things I don't mean. I get way too wound up and make a wrong move or make a wrong decision. I read text messages the wrong way and assume the worst. A simple "ok" is enough to make me contemplate whether or not you hate me. I always realize later that what I did was irrational, only making me feel worse. I feel for those who have to deal with my emotions on a daily basis, I really do. I get mad and sad sometimes when my loved ones just simply do not understand where my feelings are coming from. I get it, sometimes I don't know where my feelings are coming from either.
But the thing is, no matter how I feel, I always know that someone, somewhere, loves me and cares about me. It is something I often forget at the moment, but I'm constantly being reminded whether it be someone actually telling me they love me or a kind gesture that doesn't require words.
To all of those who support me, thank you for being here. I may not say it often, but I really do mean it. Even when I try to push help away, my loved ones seem to realize that I do need someone there. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to, or just someone to simply just sit in the room with. Thank you for being my rock through it all. Though you may not understand where my feelings come from, you take the time to hear me out and you accept them, talk about them, and sometimes relate to them. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this everyday struggle with my mind. You are what makes me feel normal. Thank you for staying up past your bedtime to make sure I'm okay, for late night phone calls, and for showing up when I need it most. Thank you for pushing me to seek help from a professional and for making it known that it is okay to see a therapist.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your support, patience, and understanding. You make me feel loved and wanted and that is all I could ask for.
