In no way do I think that the words in this letter will ever get you to completely forgive me for all I have done, but it's a hope that this will lead to something so much better.

I’ve always wanted to be the type of sister you could always look up to, the type of sister that no matter who was around could always be someone you wanted to show off, the type of sister that I am not today. The last four years I spent in high school became much of a hell I hope you never have to go through, especially in the ways I had. I came into high school so focused on finding a boy who would love, support, cherish, and choose me, unlike the men we were so unlucky in receiving as fathers. I needed to fill that void inside me, and this lead to mistakes and issues that would come to affect you today.

It was never my intention to be the girl who could be described as a level of crazy when it came to a guy or even a situation in general. It was never my intention to be someone whose name you could hear and instantly think of every wrong thing she'd ever done. It was never my intention to be the reason you dreaded going to school, or for me to be someone you’d grow to hate knowing you had that girl as your older sister. You always deserved so much more and as much as I wanted better for you and the more I tried to better things for you, the more I kept screwing it up.

{My senior year of high school and much of the year that followed is something I often pray I could take back. It was a year spent basically destroying every good thing that I could have had going for myself. I hurt a lot of people, and I became someone I am not proud of. Drama was always associated with my name, as if we were born and linked together. Instead of senior year being the best year of my life, it quickly became the worst year- and it's a shame too because all of those things could've been avoided.}

It pains me to hear you come home most nights so upset because people at school tell you that you're going to turn out just like me. It hurts to hear that you sometimes wish to live a day without knowing me or without having to be associated with me at all. My heart breaks when I’m told that I ruined so much for you, and I wish I could take all of that pain away from you, all those thoughts, all of those sour and bitter emotions you have towards me. If only there was a way to take them all away. I’m not someone you're proud to stand next to, I’m not someone you want to spend time with, I’m not someone you look up to. It makes me sick, and I’m really sorry.

I look in the mirror and I’m not always quite sure I really recognize the face that is staring back at me. My past has caused me to change not only who I am on the outside but on the inside as well. I’m not happy with this version of me. I’ve grown to be very heartless at times, I can be very ugly towards you and all your accomplishments, I can be very jealous and unfair to you. You deserve way more than this version of me, and I wish you never would have had to experience me like this.

I look up to you (odd thing to say as this is a letter to my younger sister), and I hope to one day to be someone you can look up to as well. I want to be someone you can tell anything to and be able to trust that my advice is advice that will help you grow and make you happier as a person. I want to be someone you can stand by, even when the rest of the world thinks I’m at fault. I want to be someone you want to have as a sister. I want to be so much more than the mistakes I made while I was young. I miss you and all the moments we had before we both had to grow up in this world. I’m sorry and I hope one day, things can be like they were. It is you who is my motivation to get up and be a better person, and of course you and the girls who I hope can one day say that are proud to have me as their sister.

Please never forget that everyday YOU have the power to change how you’re seen, take my mistakes into consideration to help lead you to be and do so much better than I have. I’m very proud of the person you are becoming. Make mistakes of your own, learn, live, and most importantly be happy.

Love,