When I'm asked what got me into the sport of bodybuilding, I say it was to give me better credentials as a trainer or more experience in my field. If I wanted to really be honest, I would just say I hated the way I looked - and since every bodybuilder had a stage-ready physique, bodybuilding looked like the answer to me.

After lots of hard work, I finally received results. Not that looking physically better made me love myself, because it didn't, but it did make it a little easier to. I was proud of what I accomplished. I feared ever losing the results. I didn't control my eating and workout habits - they controlled me. I operated out of fear of losing stage condition or gaining weight.

I loved myself sometimes. When I did everything perfectly and could see results, that's when I loved myself.

Fast forward to my decision to go to college. I took a leave of absence from my bodybuilding dream to better myself academically and spiritually. I knew this would be good for me since I idolized bodybuilding, and I knew I had an unhealthy relationship with myself because of it.

College didn't quite go like I thought it would.

They had an awesome gym. The food, on the other hand, did not quite fit the bodybuilding diet, and I couldn't afford the dorm with the kitchen, much less the groceries to fill it. Plus, being a girl with a binge eating disorder in a place full of endless options was not the best combination. Thanks to my deep-rooted fear of being out of shape, I didn't gain as much weight as I'm making it sound like. My conditioning did quickly diminish though.

It wasn't for lack of fighting.

I fought tooth and nail to stay in shape, but the Lord knows which leg to break to get your attention. I've always been stubborn, so, in my case, it was all four of them.

During the past two years at Liberty, I've been dying to know when the Lord will allow me to have my passion back. God, when can I train like an athlete again? After two years, I feel ready and able to balance being spiritually fit and physically fit, yet I keep getting pulled farther and farther away. I keep praying that I will learn whatever lesson it is He is trying to teach me - still, I never understand.

Though, today, I think I may have learned part of that lesson.

As I mentioned, I am stubborn. I've withstood a torn patella, many medical bills, tendonitis, some unexplainable eating issue, and now, a disk disease that kept me bedridden for the majority of the month. The news of degenerative disk disease was the straw that broke the camel's back (pun intended). The news changed everything - my job, my living situation, and even my future wedding date.

I didn't understand how someone who takes better care of their body than anyone else they know could end up with degenerative disk disease at 22 years old. There were too many emotions going through my mind, but the underlying question I had was "Will I ever be able to do what I once could?"

It had been one thing after the other. I haven't been able to run, hike, jump, or do any board sport for a year now, and that was all before the back problem. Now, it hurts to stand, sit, bend, or drive - really anything aside from lying down.

After a few days of letting this news sink in, I had a few thoughts. When I choose to marry someone, like I am going to do in June, I choose them. I choose to love them knowing that they will disappoint me, hurt me, and do things that really aggravate me, but in spite of this, I choose to love them. Regardless of the season, rich or poor, sick or in great health, whatever circumstance, I choose to love them. Why have I never loved myself like this?

It has always been about my performance.

If I've had an unproductive day, I am the last to be gracious to myself. If I am not seeing progress in my life in all areas at all times, I speak to myself as if I were a CEO chastising an employee for lack of task completion. Whether it be a day I kill my workout, ace homework assignments, and serve others, or whether it be a day I completely waste wallowing in pity, let my love never waver.

I wouldn't dare abandon those I love due to their performance, but I never thought about loving myself like I love others. We're told to love others as we love ourselves, but in some areas, we need to love ourselves like we love others. When we are commanded to offer love and grace to others, that is a command to extend love and grace to ourselves as well.

So tonight, as I struggled with emotions of anger, discouragement, and sadness, I realized that this is a time in which I should be extending grace to myself. As long as the healing process takes, I am going to love myself through it because regardless of what I can or can't do, I have value. I am a person without control of many circumstances but with total control of my responses, and I choose to respond with love.