Dear Tonsils,

I just wanted to take some time out of increasingly busy schedule to say thank you. Thank you for choosing the week that I start classes to make yourselves known. I mean, how could I ignore you when you're practically touching? It's not like I have to talk...or eat. No, I understand that you really do function best when you swell to the point of practically blocking my windpipe. Sure, I've also got asthma, but that's pretty inconsequential. Breathing is overrated anyway. Don't you think?

And of course, of course you make sure that my sinuses are all clogged and swollen. Who wouldn't want the subsequent headache that comes with that? It just so happens that this pounding, splitting headache you've caused is making this letter EXTRA fun to write. Combine that with ADD and my productivity levels have just skyrocketed!

I also want to thank you for making sure that I couldn't ever, ever, ever forget about you. It really is quite sweet that you really can't go much longer than a month without swelling up with love. I know you do this because you have this incessant need to show me how much you love me. And I also happen to know that your way of showing me how much you love me is by making my lymph nodes grow to the size of golf balls.

But, tonsils, it's time we were honest with each other and I have a confession to make. While it pains me to say this (literally), I think it's time we parted ways. While I know that our affair has been an intense and passionate one, it has to end. Every breath when I'm with you is agony and every time I touch my swollen neck, I want to cry. What we have is not healthy anymore. It's bloody and bruised and broken. And, quite honestly, some days I just want to rip you out of my life entirely. Not only that, I have another confession I need to make.

Tonsils, I've met someone else. They go by many names, but you might know them better as Antibiotics. I know I must be hurting you by saying this, but I feel as though I owe it to you to be honest. And when I'm with Antibiotics, all of my pain goes away. I feel like myself again when I'm with them. That was something I never had with you, even when we were at our best. That's got to be saying something, right?

So, with a heavy heart, I think it's best that we didn't see each other anymore. We haven't been compatible for a long time and frankly I think we're just too toxic together, now. And I think you know this too. So, my dear tonsils, this is my good bye. This is our goodbye. Again, I know this may come as a bit of a shock for you you and that this will be hard. But as I've said, I cannot stay with you any longer. All I ask now is that you respect my decision to end our relationship. If not? Well, let's just say that I've got a throat specialist on stand-by.