A while ago, my boyfriend and I discussed the five "love languages" that were established by Gary Chapman in his book. The five "languages" Chapman discusses are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch (intimacy). I've spent quite a bit of time analyzing myself over the years, thinking about which one was the most important to me and why. Chances are, you've done the same in your own relationships and friendships. Here are a few ways you can utilize all of these unique aspects to better the relationships and friendships with those you love in your life.
1. Gifts
The "gifts" aspect of the love languages refers to when your loved one periodically gives you little reminders that they're thinking of you. It's not the materialism that counts here; rather, it's the thoughtfulness behind the gift that matters the most to those who identify with this language. Personally, I love it when I get a little something from my sweetie because it reminds me that he's thinking of me. It matters less about what it is and more about the fact that he took a moment to consider giving me something he thought I would like. An example of this for me was a couple years ago when he designed a small cannon for me in one of his classes and gave it to me.
If the gifts aspect means a lot to your partner, be sure to let them know you appreciate them by giving them a small gift every now and then just to let them know you saw something or made them something you think they'll enjoy.
2. Quality time
This is my bread and butter. My friends and boyfriend know how important quality time is to me. Years ago, I noticed I started to prefer more one-on-one time with the people I cared about and I've realized over the years that quality time (and not just "quantity time") with others is really important. I could spend all day with someone but if I don't have the chance to sit down with them and really gauge what's going on with them or enjoy some conversation, then it doesn't feel like I spent any time with them at all. If you're the same, it can be hard for others to understand why you're feeling down after being around someone for a long period of time, but not really having the chance to be with them, to enjoy their presence, can be a disappointment. If your friend or partner is someone who enjoys quality time, take a moment to understand what they enjoy doing with you and make time to do that, and focus on spending time with that person and not your phone or other distractions.
3. Words of affirmation
If you're ever been a middle-schooler (or high-schooler, for that matter), you know how words can hurt. We've all been there and we've all experienced the hurt that comes from being talked down to as kids, and even as adults. When I look back at some of the hurt I've caused to others in relationships or friendships, I think a lot of that wasn't just not communicating well, but communicating the wrong things and not giving the positive aspects more importance and "air-time" in my relationships. Yes, we all screw up sometimes. But instead of telling your significant other that they messed up, why not just tell them that you're there to support them no matter what they're going through? I made a promise to myself to always be positive and uplifting to my boyfriend, because, why not? When we feel better about ourselves and the people we're around, we tend to treat others better as well. If your friend or loved one is someone who enjoys words of affirmation, be sure to let them know verbally how much you love and appreciate them. We know how much you care, but sometimes just hearing a genuine expression of intimacy makes all the difference.
4. Acts of service/devotion
This is where I devote most of my attention to when it comes to my boyfriend, and honestly a lot of my friends as well. For my guy, I know I'm good at cleaning and organizing, and that's one thing I like to do for him, not so much because I like it, but because it's something I can do for him. I like to do things for others because I can see a tangible result and I feel like I accomplished something. Granted, not everyone wants you to step in this way, but it's one of the first things we all resort to when something happens. "I'm so sorry-is there anything I can do for you?" "Is there anything I can get for you at the store?" Although it may be the first "language" we run to when trying to be there for someone, it's not always the most important thing we can offer someone. However, I think it can be agreed that everyone loves it when someone steps in to take care of something they don't particularly enjoy doing. If your loved one appreciates acts of service, make sure you ask them what you can do for them or with them, and if you don't know how to, have them show you. This is a great way to bond with someone and learn something new, while helping them out in a way that brings joy to the both of you (and be sure to reciprocate!).
5. Physical touch (intimacy)
This one can get tricky for a lot of people, because oftentimes it's another aspect of the love languages that we automatically resort to, and a lot of times people go to it with the absence of love completely. If we're going to be physically intimate with someone, let it be with love as the intention behind it. And it's not always the big things that matter the most--sometimes my boyfriend just touching my shoulder can mean a lot to me, and it's the same for others as well. Some people are really into hugs as a means of communicating affection, and that's also a great way to communicate security and closeness. If your partner's go-to love language is physical touch, be sure to let them know that you're thinking of them by reaching out to hold their hand when they're not expecting it or rub their back when they've had a rough day. Letting someone know you're there by physically being there is one of the greatest joys of being in a relationship or friendship with someone, so don't forget to show it, even if you're around your loved one frequently and don't always think about it.
