I like to get high.
And yes, you read that correctly.
As a collegiate distance runner, the most frequent question I get asked when someone finds out that I run is simply: WHY? Why do you run? Why do you enjoy it? Why would you put yourself through that? To be completely honest, it's a complicated, delicate, love-hate relationship that I, and I think many people, have with running. It walks a thin line between the two feelings like a tight rope walker, and can fall in either direction on any given day. Sometimes I love myself for running, and sometimes I hate myself for running.
Some days I love it. Some days I love waking up in the morning and starting off with 4 or 8 or 12 miles. On those days, it can always make my day start off in a better mood than if I had not run. But some days I wake up, and when I realize I have to go running, I start crying on the inside because I feel too tired or too sore or too lazy. I, too, often find myself wondering why I do it. On a daily basis, I feel as if I am breaking down my own body one step at a time, but the fact of the matter is that I am only breaking my body down in order to make it stronger. And the lingering possibility of getting faster and stronger is part of the addiction, because if you run or race faster, you feel that high they call the runner's high just a little higher.
The easiest answer I have for why I run is this: I like the way running makes me feel. And no, I don't mean the aching muscles or the asthmatic breathing at the the top of a big hill. I don't mean the constant total body fatigue. I mean the sense of accomplishment I get after I finish a really good run, or even a really bad run. The notion that I could have been sitting on the couch at home eating potato chips, but instead I laced up my shoes, put myself out there, and did what I do, just me and the pavement and my lungs. There is something absolutely addicting about the feeling you get after you finish a great run or race. The smiles from yourself, your coaches, your parents, your teammates, when you finally reach or exceed a goal that you have set for yourself. The highs like that are so high.
And yet the lows are so low. The feeling you get when you push your body to its limits and it seems like it fails you? Yeah, that feeling sucks. A bad race, a bad run, feeling like you've taken a million steps backwards in your training. It feels like you've tried your best and have nothing to show for it, and as if all the hard work was for nothing. Feeling like you've let your team and yourself down. I've found that the easiest way to deal with the lows is to just go to sleep and wake up and do what you do every day all over again. A new day is a new start, and a new start allows you try to do your best all over again. One day I'll let myself believe that my best is good enough, but right now I'm still chasing these crazy dreams and letting myself feel the highs and lows. Because what's a lot of high without a little low?
