As I am sitting here typing this, I am very nervous. I feel anxious and I feel like I want to slam down my laptop and just walk away. This is probably the most open I have ever been and I am scared.

I am scared of opening up; I am scared of letting go. I have held onto these feelings for so long that they have become my own personal treasure and letting go of them is like closing and opening a door at the same time. Only a few people knew that I was in love with an amazing guy and just how deep it was. But, there was a catch: He didn’t love me back because he didn’t know that I loved him.

You see, I fell head over heels and toes with this dude and I am pretty sure he had no clue. There was flirting (at least I assume) here and there, but nothing serious. I was too scared to let him know, so I every time I was around him I would swallow my emotions, gather myself because I was nervously falling apart, and be the friend he needed me to be.

Now, I will not and absolutely refuse to share his name, details as to where and how we met, and all that delicious stuff that I know a lot of you are seeking to desire. But everything that I felt and thought will be laid open and be bare for all of you to see. I refuse to hide anything pertaining my feelings because it will obstruct a pathway that I need to follow and complete. I am just glad you guys are with me on this journey and I hope this helps you wherever you are.

To My First Love,

Hello, how are you? I really miss you. It’s crazy that I am writing this letter to you and it is crazier that I didn’t tell you how much I really truly loved you. I am pretty sure I sound like a stalker and I can only hope you don’t get freaked out. But, I wanted to share with you how much your very presence impacted my life.

I remember before really getting to know you, just knowing of you was pretty powerful. Everyone knew you and everybody knew you were just the cool dude to hang around and be comfortable with. You were the leader of the pack and I am pretty sure most of the guys that hung around you wanted to be like you. You were just that cool.

When I started to get to know you, I started to understand why you had so many friends and why so many people loved you: It was so easy! You made it so easy to open up to you, laugh with you, and share life with you. It was in those moments when I found myself observing you and smiling hard because I saw you being so carefree but careful. You were happy with where you were and I admired you for that. I wanted to experience that; I wanted to be where you were in life.

Thankfully, more opportunities came where we could hang out and those moments were always fun. When it seemed like I was laughing a bit too hard, I was trying to impress you. I did not understand that I wasn’t meant to fit in, I was meant to be special gem shining on her own, just like you were. So, as your personality traits began to emerge and I started to see you bloom before my very eyes, I could not help becoming giddy, excited, and nervous when I was around you. Crushing on you hit me hard because I didn’t expect it to, but it felt good to have a crush on a guy that I knew in person instead of just a celeb on television.

And with that crush, sprouted new feelings. Everyday felt like a spring day with flowers in full bloom. I would become so excited and nervous to be around you, but I couldn’t image going a day without seeing you, although that did happen. The more I was around you, the more I found myself falling deeper and deeper into this crush. I would excitedly write in my journal about you! Your very presence made me so happy! I felt like I was on Cloud 9.

But… things began to change…

I found myself thinking about you when I got up in the morning and thinking of you before I went to sleep. It was hard to go through a day without talking to you, seeing you, and being near you. Every time I would try to concentrate on something else, my mind would slowly drift back to you. Strange enough, I started to see you everywhere I went although I knew you weren't there. I felt as though I was going crazy; I thought I was taking my crush way too serious and way too far.

But as the days progressed, I knew that this “new thing” was something I could not change. It stayed with me, haunting me in every waking and sleeping hour. I prayed for you more than I would pray for myself. I found myself eagerly wanting to help you achieve your dreams and goals any and every way possible. I was determined to be your #1 Fan, cheerleader, quarterback, and defensive lineman. I was all in! And the more that I recognized that I was willing and ready to do anything for you, even put my life on the line, I knew I could not deny any longer that I had fallen in love with you.

Believe me, I circled around and around this whole possibility of being in love with you. It seemed impossible since we were just friends! Nothing else happened! Maybe a flirt here and there, but nothing that a laugh couldn't get us out of! But, seemingly, that was the only explanation, although I did not want it to be. I loved that I loved you, but I hated that I was open. I loved that I felt free, but I hated that I couldn’t tell you. My God and my mouth wouldn’t let me as much as my heart begged me too.

You see, God had his hand in all of this and I know you must wonder, "how?" Well, my dear, it wasn’t the right time to tell you. The position that we were both in as I would soon find out wasn’t right for either of us. It would have been great for a moment, but it would not have been enough to last a lifetime. Anyway, I was hurt that I couldn’t tell you and I could not understand why God was telling me no. I became angry and tearful; these were not feelings I could handle without you knowing.

But as time progressed, and the feelings grew stronger by the nanosecond, I saw why He told me no. In all your beauty my dear, just like the rest of us, you had some flaws. But these flaws were detrimental to your character, to your beauty as a whole. Do not get me wrong, you are beautiful in every way possible, but these insecurities that you held onto were going to end up as your downfall. At times, I couldn’t understand why you would become so arrogant and so full of pride. I understand you had it going on, but anyone could have that. What made it so special was you, not what you did and how you treated people, my love. But that is not something you could see, therefore, that left me clueless and empty on how to possibly help you.

But despite these things, I loved you all the same. Honestly, I think it made me love you even more because I knew we could grow together, even if just as friends. I just wanted you to be better. I just wanted you to be the best you that you could ever be. I really wanted you to achieve that and still do.

However, as time went on, it became harder to hold my love for you to myself. I started to withdraw from you, purposely dodging you in every circumstance. I thought the less I would see you, the easier it would be to get over you. Ha! I was wrong. It only became THAT much harder because I would end up running into you. How awkward!! I started to make excuses as if I was really busier than I was, but it was not true. I just wanted to get over you. I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, God already said I STILL couldn’t tell you, what the was the sense in hurting anymore?

But the reality of it was…

…I ended up hurting even more than expected. After our friendship diminished and we went our separate ways, I was very joyous! I finally had the chance to be free from you and the love I had for you. I was finally going to get to be me and all that I finally knew I had the potential to be, without you.

I tried for a very long time to convince myself I was going to be truly happy, but the pain of missing you hurt worse. Day after day, my love for you became stronger. I would constantly cry out to God asking Him why I did allow myself to fall in love with someone who didn’t know I was in love with them? How could I, such a crazy fool, allow this to happen?! I used to be so careful, and now here I was, my heart hurting because I missed and wanted you.

I felt so stupid. I couldn’t even believe that it happened to me. The more that I tried to convince myself it was crush, the more my heart said “nah, bruh.” It hurt so bad! And I am not talking about hurting bad for a couple of days or weeks, I am talking about three years it hurt bad! I just could not get over you. I missed you so much and my life hurt without you. But to openly tell you that scared me more than anything and there was going to be no way that you were ever going to know this.

After praying to God for the umpteenth time about this very thing, He and my some of my friends that knew about this in depth, told me that I just needed to accept my feelings and there was possibility that they may never go away. I tried to run from that answer/advice as much as possible, but it was they were right and it was true. I was in love with you and still was. Nothing was going to change that. I could not even change that.

So, as time went on, and after I got angry and cried a few times, I accepted it. I accepted that I truly and deeply loved and love you. I accepted that it is better to just let my feelings be, no matter how much I try to run away from them. In 2015, I received peace about this whole thing and it was easier to live life the way God intended it to be for me. But… I still thought of you, prayed for you, loved you from afar.

And even now, as I am writing this letter to you, the same feelings have stirred up a bit in my belly. My love for you hasn’t changed. I still think about you every now and again; I still pray for you when you enter my mind; I still love you like nothing has ever changed.

You may not know that I had this love for you and you may not ever know, but I just want to put it out there that you do and always will. I promise, this love, will not change. I still love you with every bit of me. I want you to have and enjoy the absolute best of everything in whole entire life. I want you to be joyous, have peace, and live life! I want nothing but the best for you although it is difficult not to share that with you.

Just wanted to say I love you, I miss you, and take care my very beautiful friend.

With love,

Love forever & always,

Me.