In awkward lessons at youth group, most of us became familiar with the dating rhetoric that dominates Evangelical teen sex ethics. In brief, we were convinced to refrain from particular sexual activities in order to foster a fulfilling marriage. While attempting to give guidance in navigating the confusing world of dating, a key failure in promoting this narrative is the assumption that both members of the relationship will hold the dominant racial background.

When it comes to love, women of color are certain to experience discriminatory mistreatment. For a long time it was frowned upon for black women to wear their natural hair, as boys were more likely to approach them if their hair was straight. As a result of being labeled “model minorities”, Asian women are given unfair expectations in relationships, unable to meet perfectionist minded expectations. Latin American women suffer too, and are frequently characterized as exotic creatures that need to be tamed. Indeed, such realities stem from media outlets defining beauty on uncontrollable issues such as body type and skin color. And in an environment that highly values marriage to the point of shaming singleness, it too easy to blame oneself for not being “pretty enough”, rather than challenge the racist expectations put on women in Wheaton College.

While each human being is a gift from the Father, the realities of systemic sexual sin objectify image bearers into sex objects. Christian dating manuals, while promoting healthy sexual behaviour, fail to address the biases of who we are most likely to become attracted to in dating. When appearances of physical beauty (which are only culturally relative) are continually praised higher than moral character, it seems that “

Christian” dating has no more to offer people of color than “secular” dating. Imagine if all Christian women were not valued simply for their physical beauty, but also for their spiritual maturity. Imagine if Christian men were not immediately admired for their physical prowess, but for their willingness to listen to their sisters and obey God. Our decisions in how we present ourselves, and the desires we prioritize in a spouse need to be less about pleasing temporary appetites and instead center on pleasing God together in a healthy relationship.