Do you ever remember a time, maybe when you were younger, when you were just completely physically unaware of yourself? You didn’t care about your pores, or your hair, your teeth, the shape of your nose, or your body. I remember that. It all stopped right around the seventh grade. My friends would stand in the mirror and say things like “my pores are terrible!” or “I hate my nose” and I looked at myself and thought “What weird things to notice. Who’s looking at your pores? Who cares what your nose looks like?” That was genuinely how I thought about it, but as time went on, I began saying those things as well. I began to hate myself.

As I got into high school I noticed that when I went shopping with friends, I was quite a few sizes bigger than them. I couldn’t fit into a 7 size pair of jeans anymore. I couldn’t wear those cute little junior tops. I was changing and I hated my body. All I could think about was my pant size and how embarrassed I was. Homecoming was the worst because while my friends were all in 4s, I was squeezing into 10s and 12s. I felt ashamed when someone wanted to buy me a T-shirt and I’d tell them to get a large if they fit tight. All of these labels had slowly started to tear away at what I thought of myself.

The years crept by and I was trying everything I could to avoid being overweight. On the internet it said I was just tipping the scale on the overweight side. I hated it. I had done sports all through school and I had tried to eat healthy, but it didn’t matter. There was no change. I would just wear jeans and t-shirts every day because I was so self conscious. I tried the fat burning pills, the stupid wraps, and all those crunch challenges. Exercise and healthy foods made me feel better, but physically nothing changed.

Then college rolled around. I enrolled in a life drawing class in the spring of my freshman year at WIU. It was a class where we drew live nude models. (I didn’t know that until after class started.) As new women came in everyday, they were all different shapes and sizes. We’d have a size 0 come and model one day and then the next you’d have a size 30. What I realized from this class was that both of these women were beautiful. I enjoyed drawing both of them. One was not lesser than the other. They both had their own special qualities that made them who they are. It would be no fun to draw models who all look the same. Life would be nothing without our differences.

I have went far too long hating my body. Hating my stretch marks, my cellulite, my freckles, my thighs, my arms, my tummy, my hips, and so much more. I’m sick of the labels. I’m sick of the sizes. I have realized that all these years I’ve just been hating the things that make me who I am. The things that make me special. The things that make me unique.

I finally realized it when I stepped on the scale a few months ago. I had been running and eating healthy for quite awhile and I stepped on that scale. I was the same weight I had been four months ago. Nothing changed. At first, I hated myself. Then it hit me.

I am more than a number. I am more than a size.

I can make beautiful creations just from a pen or some paints. I can write a song in under 20 minutes. I love the people in my life unconditionally. I am a free spirit with a childlike soul. I love the sun and the moon and bright colors. I fall in love with every sunset and every morning sky. I am more than just a number. I am more than just a size. I am life and love and free. Why am I wasting all this time, trying to be beautiful, when that’s all I’ve ever been? How foolish I felt, realizing this.

You are more than a number. You are a child, a sibling, a parent, a partner. You are an adventurer, a free soul, a bird soaring through the sky. You aren’t a number. You’re a beautiful masterpiece of a person and everyday is a new day to add more paint to that beautiful canvas. I have wasted far too much of my time painting white over all the beautiful things I’ve already created, by hating myself.

I won’t hold myself back any longer. I’ve wasted so much time already. Love who you are. Love who you can become. We were all made differently and we’re all beautiful. We all have purpose here and it’s not for us to all fit in a size 7 jean (and it's totally okay if you're a size 7 or less, love is for all bodies).

Love yourself, love your body, and keep painting on that beautiful canvas of your soul.