Dearest Love,
As a child, I looked up at the stars and hoped that someday I'd find a way to keep them in my life forever. I worried I would lose that reminder of the chaos of the universe, but I've found it in you. The city lights neutralize every glimmering body in the sky, but none can dim the stunning way your eyes shine and sparkle with breathtaking uncertainty. My sweet, there is truly nothing comparable to the soft furrow in your brow when you catch sight of me, and nothing as flattering as feeling your heart pound in your chest when I wrap my arms around you. You're constantly ensuring me that you carry me with you wherever you go in the way your hands form tight fists as if the air were mine and you couldn't stand the thought of letting go.
I can tell that when we're together, you feel as if we're the only two beings in existence, that we're the only ones for each other. Knowing this makes me feel so powerful, like you're overcome with love for me when I cross your mind. So much so, that you shut out the world and drown in it. After all, you've told me how much I take your breath away, as if the thought of breathing my oxygen is too much, so you skip a couple breaths just to ensure my safety. You're so selfless that way, and I'm selfish that way. You're so willing to relinquish yourself. So willing to give me what I need. Whether it's your family, your friends, your health, you give it all to me. You let me take it.
If I were better, I'd let you go. I know I don't deserve you but you are, quite simply, my home. I've shacked up inside your heart and written "No Vacancy" in the tangles, so passersby know you belong only to me. Some think it clingy, possessive, but they're wrong. I know you need me just as much as I need you. Maybe more. The way you've made me a part of you makes it pretty clear that I was your first love. The first connection that changed you. You've let me become your everything, I can see it in the way you anticipate my arrival. You always know when I'm just around the corner, welcoming me with that beautiful clenched smile behind your lips.
So why are you trying to go? How could you leave someone who loves you so? I don't get it. It must just be a phase because I think you know that we'll never be apart.
You're being irrational. Come back to me and I'll make you feel alive. I'll make your body vibrate with the need to live like it used to. You'd sweat with the desperation I made you feel. The lump I left in your throat is what kept you in shape, the breath I stole from you taught you to savor every one. The way your jaw locked kept you from saying things you shouldn't and the quake in your knees saved you from pursuing things you'd only fail at. I protected you. When I rode piggy-back, my weight kept you grounded. Kept your head out of the clouds. After all, dreamers are the ones who get hurt. Wanting too much, not practicing caution.
You say I made the world close in, but all I was doing was shrinking it down to the proper size for the two of us. I needed to make it small to keep you safe, and I hope someday you appreciate that. You have no idea how much you need me. You'll regret going away.
I love you even when you spite me.
Love Always,
Anxiety
