When you hear about a mass shooting, you normally hear about it in the security of your home. You’re normally in a city that’s a good distance from the tragedy, and it normally doesn’t effect you personally. The odds of you being close to this tragedy, or being apart of it, is slim. But it’s not impossible.

In the early morning hours of June 12, 2016, a dance club, The Pulse, was apart of a terrible tragedy. Orlando, FL experienced the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history. The country has been griefing the loss of LGBTQ+ members and supporters, and the country has come together, yet again, to show it’s support and it’s love. Showing love and receiving love are two very different things, though.

I live in Orlando. Orlando is my home. It’s a place where I’ve felt comfortable and safe for the last six months. In a matter of seconds, that was all stripped away from me. I had fun in Orlando. I work for Walt Disney World in Disney’s Animal Kingdom, so I was able to play in the parks and made friends that I’ll never forget. I experienced the Orlando nightlife as well. I went to clubs and bars, I made new friends in the bathroom and spent the night laughing away. I would go out and come home without any second thoughts.

I had contemplated going to The Pulse. Multiple times, in fact. I had friends that went there, I had fellow cast members that went there. The Pulse is a palce that I had been introduced too, and I had assumed as safe. We tend to find safety and security in places until proven otherwise. The unfortunate events of ‪Sunday morning proved that The Pulse, like every other palce in the world, isn’t safe.

49 dead. 53 injured. Thousands upon thousands effected.

I went out ‪Saturday night and was lucky enough to make it to my bed ‪Sunday morning. I had been completely and totally oblivious to the events happening just 5 minutes away from me. I heard the cop cars, I saw them speeding by me, but in my mind I just thought, “It’s just another ‪Saturday night downtown.” Why would I think anything else was happening? I had been having a good time, my friends had had a good time, why would anything be wrong? I had been so, so wrong, though.

I've never been in the position to receive the 'Are you okay?' or the 'Please call me' text message. I woke up with dozens of texts and missed called from family and friends, but it took a while before I realized why. They were worried about me. Because I live in the city that had the deadliest mass shooting. I was living my dream in the city that entered a nightmare and instead of hearing about it from afar I was living right in the middle of it.

Now I feel guilty. I feel bad for going out and being able to go home to my friends and for being able to talk to my family the next morning. I feel bad that I didn’t do anything to help the victims. I wish there had been something more I could’ve done, that I could have gone to this club and been there to help out. Like with everything in life, though, there was a reason I wasn’t there, and that I have to live with. I have to live with the thoughts of 'What if I had gone?' and 'What would've happened if I did go?'

I spend each day looking over my shoulder. I worry about each person that walks by me while simultaneously fearing them. I live in a world where we promote love and how strong love is and how important love is, yet all I have is fear and worry and anxiety over these events. The overwhelming amount of love that has been shown has truly been a blessing and has been a magical thing to experience. But how long will love last until hate overtakes again? Being on the receiving end of this love is something I wish every person could experience so we could work towards a better world. Love is so much stronger then hate, we just need everyone to be on the same page, and that is where we fail.

It starts with small things. Donate blood, time and/or money, volunteer, bring food to those in need. Tell those you love that you love them. Don't go a day without showing love and making a difference. When you make a difference, when you make someone's day, it'll start a chain reaction. It'll change someone's day and it'll push them towards making someone else's day. If we can keep the dominos falling, imagine what we can accomplish!

If you're in the Orlando area, for any reason, and you're able to donate blood, it is still a huge necessity! Go to ‪oneblood.org or ‪cityoforlando.net and research what you can do to help.

One Love. One Pulse. One Family.